Our patient of the week is a six-year-old girl with old-people problems like arthritis and strokes. She also has pubic hair and her period, leading the group to realize that there's something very wrong with her hormones. But before they can deal with the patient's hormones, they must deal with their own. House gets jealous when Cuddy and Wilson enjoy an evening of theater together, although it remains to be seen if he's jealous of Wilson, or Cuddy, or both. He immediately sets about trying to screw around with them, sending Wilson flowers with a note from Cuddy, but Wilson actually figures out his plan and doesn't fall for it. He can't see tumors in his patients, but he can see a House mindfuck coming. Good for him. Meanwhile, Cameron and Chase snipe at each other like little children because their relationship is over. Cameron even stoops to making Chase jealous by encouraging the crush that the brother of the patient of the week has on her. I don't know why she's making Chase jealous when she's the one who said she didn't want a relationship with him, but therein lies logic of Cameron. Cameron also tries to use the Poor Dead Husband card to get the patient of the week's dad to sign a consent form, and House totally calls her on it and makes fun of her, which is amazing. Anyway, the patient's brother starts showing some similar weird hormone problems when he attacks Chase for touching Cameron's arm, and their day care provider starts waxing her upper lip during her lunch break, so House figures out that the kids' father is sleeping with the younger woman and trying to keep up with her by smearing testosterone cream on his penis. A lot of testosterone cream. So much that he's secreting it through his skin and transferring it to his kids and his girlfriend, causing the kids' hormones to go crazy and create medical problems and causing the girlfriend to get hairy. The case is closed, and so, it seems, is Chase and Cameron's relationship. Which is good, since Chase turns out to be all sensitive and a total softie, and he probably deserves better. Speaking of people who probably deserve better, Cuddy is asked out to yet another evening of theater -- this time by House!
We open in a room full of kids doing kid-type activities. One of them has the worst bloody nose ever and is being tended to by his teacher, who tells the kid's father that he got into another fight and now she can't get the bleeding to stop. I think that's because she just keeps smearing the blood around his face instead of tilting his head back and holding his nose closed, but I'm no doctor. Dad takes over and lectures his son that Dad has a lot of things to do today and dealing with a son who can't stop getting into (and, apparently, losing) fights isn't one of them. The teacher wonders if she should call 911, and I'd like to see her try. I'm sure the ambulance will race to the school to tend to a boy with a nosebleed. A mortal wound indeed. A girl, who we learn is the boy's sister and the dad's daughter, runs up and says that she's playing doctor. Dad tells her go away. Seriously. Like that plastic stethoscope is going to do anything to stop the bleeding. At least pretend to be a good doctor. Next thing you know, she'll be sticking her fellow daycare attendees into a little plastic MRI of DOOOM! and they'll be getting fake seizures. When the boy says that he's starting to feel dizzy, the teacher runs off to call 911. That kid is such a baby! I got hit in the nose once, and it broke and wouldn't stop bleeding for like four hours, and you didn't see me call an ambulance. I am so much more hardcore than an eight-year-old boy. The sister wants attention, so she buzzes around with her doctor stuff until the dad dismisses her again. Finally, the boy's nose has stopped bleeding, but there's something else to worry about -- his sister is lying on the floor having some kind of episode. At least now the ambulance is coming for something worthwhile.
It's the end of another long workday at PPTH, and the Cottages and House are getting ready to leave. That's when Cuddy shows up with a file. House senses the incoming danger of having to do his job and tries to compliment Cuddy out of giving him the file, but it doesn't work. Although Cuddy doesn't seem to mind the flattery. She tells him there's a kindergartner with calcified restrictive pericarditis and hypertension. House has to admit that is an interesting case, unless the kindergartner they're dealing with has been held back like fifty-five times. In which case it's still interesting, but not medically. The girl is in surgery for the heart thing now, so House shrugs it off, saying she'll be in surgery all night and he can deal with it in the morning. Cuddy keeps after him, saying he can get started with the girl's bloodwork tonight. House rudely opens the door to the meeting room into her face, smacking Cuddy in the nose (she fortunately manages to not gush massive amounts of blood, unlike some people), and he tosses the file to the Cottages, who are none too pleased about being kept at work.