House
Act Your Age

Episode Report Card
Sara M: A | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Everyone Has Hormones Except Cameron

House asks the patient for a urine sample. The guy quickly refuses, saying he can't pee in public bathrooms. Aw, someone's shy. I don't blame him -- if I were a guy, I wouldn't be able to pee in public either. Why do they have to use those urinals that are so exposed? It doesn't seem fair when women get huge bathroom stalls to luxuriate in. Of course, we have to wait in line for years to get into those stalls, so it evens out. The guy says he can take the urine cup home, pee there, and come back. House gives him an "I don't have time for your weird crap today" look. By the way, this is House's default expression.

Foreman's talking to Lucy's dad about arthritis. Lucy's dad, by the way, is named "Deran," in a nice shout-out to Deran Serafian, occasional episode director and my nemesis. If the Deran character starts looking into people's nostrils for no reason while all the action is taking place elsewhere, the shout-out will be complete. Deran doesn't understand how Lucy could have arthritis, which he thought was only for old people. Yeah, Deran, I'm pretty sure that's why it's called "JUVENILE rheumatoid arthritis." Way to listen. Foreman slowly explains that this is an autoimmune disease. Her own body is attacking its joints, eyes, and heart. "It can be crippling, but it can also go into complete remission," Foreman explains, saying the chances of this are good since they caught it early. Um ... how early can it possibly be if the girl's heart gave out? I feel like open-heart surgery is a later-stage symptom. Lucy starts fussing. She gives her dad a wink... oh, wait, that's not a wink. She's having a stroke.

After the break, Foreman tells the group that Lucy's stroke was caused by a clot. She's on blood thinners now, and they'll see how much brain damage there was when she wakes up. "Arthritis, heart disease ... why can't this kid act her age?" says House, although he clearly doesn't approve of having to say the episode's almost-titular line. That stuff is cheesy, and House is too cool for it. Next time, give the titular line to Cameron. Speaking of Cameron, she walks in and says that Lucy's blood is "thicker than pancake batter." But how awesome would it be if Lucy's blood were actual pancake batter? Unless you didn't like pancakes; then it would suck. House says that "thick blood" caused the stroke and the juvenile rheumatoid arthitis. But what caused the thick blood? Chase says that it could be a lack of oxygen from cigarette smoke, and Cameron scoffs at the thought of a six-year-old being a smoker. Chase says Deran could be the smoker, and Cameron simply says, "He's not." How does she know? And why is she so mad at Chase when he's the one who got rejected? House again interrupts their fight before it can get good. He says that Chase is right, and Chase immediately turns to smile in Cameron's face while House tells them to check out Deran's house for cigarettes and carbon monoxide leaks. Cameron's mouth drops open, ready to protest. "You're intentionally punishing us!" she accuses. Right, Cameron, because you're never sent to examine patients' homes on the flimsiest of evidence. This is clearly all about you and not about the dying little girl you're supposed to be saving.

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