Cuddy calls House outside to yell at him for not calling social services about his possible abuse victim. House has more important things to worry about: namely, why Cuddy is wearing extra concealer under her eyes. House says that since Deran consented to the exam, they know he isn't her abuser (not really, but okay), and more importantly, House thinks Cuddy was up late last night, and he knows why. "PANTY HAMSTER GET A SPIN ON ITS WHEEL?!?!" he asks Cuddy and the entire staff of the clinic. Cuddy's face as she figures out what House means by "panty hamster" is great. Mine probably wasn't. "Panty hamster" is gross. Not as gross as "axe wound" or "roast beef curtains," but still gross. Cuddy cryptically says she "went to a play" and orders House back to his office to call social services.
Do you really think he's going to do that? Not when he has Wilson to yell at for taking his girl out to a play! "You're trying to have sex with Cuddy," House says, trying not to turn green with envy. Wilson says that House might only take women to plays to have sex with them, but not Wilson. He truly enjoys the theater. So did the last guy who took me to the theater. By the way, that guy was gay. I'm just saying. Wilson says he took Cuddy out "as a friend." "A friend with a squish mitten," House says. Okay, that's worse than "panty hamster," "axe wound," or "roast beef curtains." It also evokes a very strange mental image. I don't want to mentally see Cuddy's privates represented as a squishy mitten anymore than I wanted to see the "vaginal examination on a six-year-old" montage. Wilson gets tired of House and says he slept with Cuddy. House's look of wide-eyed shock, betrayal, and sadness is awesome. "...Seriously?" he asks. Wilson admits he was lying. House doesn't think so. Wilson says that he did, in fact, sleep with Cuddy. "...Seriously?" House asks again, looking both upset and admiring. Wilson says that he didn't, and that House has a problem. And that problem is he's in love with Cuddy. But there's no time for that discussion, because Foreman comes in and says that they tested the blood on the T-shirt. It is Lucy's blood, but it's full of endometrial cells. Which means Lucy is having her period and has started puberty. This also means that Cameron really sucks at doing vaginal exams. How could she not notice? Surely Lucy would have, like, breasts or hair in other places besides her squish mitten. And wouldn't she at least have, like, stubble there? And yet, they didn't notice any even when they were right in her armpit doing that biopsy. So at this point, I'm going to have to let some medical stuff slide and kick back and enjoy the show for what it is and the dramatic license it has to take.