You didn't really think Brandon was all better, did you? We aren't even fifteen minutes in! He's having a seizure. Heather hovers over him, asking what's wrong. House takes that opportunity to check her out and agrees with Hadley's assessment that she is hot. The best part is House's look after he says it and checks her out again as we go to commercial. Bit campy there, Laurie.
House is unconcerned about Brandon's condition, figuring the seizure is just an effect of the drugs not yet being out of his system. Kumar points out that none of the drugs Brandon admitted to taking are known to cause seizures, and House says that might be true of them taken by themselves, but three unproven and untested drugs together -- "that's like the Mod Squad." And they just gave Brandon a 20% warning rate. Kumar gets all political and says it's "ridiculous" that drug companies can give humans potentially dangerous drugs for money. And yet, there are some people out there who would rather we test drugs on humans than animals. House takes a different approach and blames the people rather than the companies, saying they shouldn't get desperate enough for money to test potentially dangerous drugs. Meanwhile, House once faked terminal brain cancer to have an experimental painkiller thing put in his brain, so who's desperate now? House says it's all for a good cause anyway, since the desperate people test drugs that later save puppies and children. Except that they don't. They can save men from having a flaccid penis or people who toss and turn at night from what they're meant to believe is restless leg syndrome, but they still can't cure cancer. And that's the biggest shame of all.
With that, House arrives at a vending machine and puts his hand out for money from the team, all of whom immediately reach for the change in their pockets. Even Foreman, who I thought was past this kind of thing by now. Pathetic. Hadley reads off the chart because she doesn't have any money to spare. Ha ha ha! House interrupts her to give the first of Brandon's drugs a cool name, since before they're put on the market with names like Nexium and Requip, they're just long boring numbers. In honor of Hadley, he names the first one Bisexadrine. Hadley doesn't protest, knowing that the alternative was probably Huntingtonium. Without missing a beat, she calls the drug Bisexadrine and says it's an anticoagulant. House names the second drug Cuckoldasol while staring at Taub, cluing Kumar into Taub's wife's secret. He asks if she's having an affair. Mind your own business, Kumar! He cares about this way too much. Taub explains that his wife has a not-so-secret bank account and it's no big deal. With that, Foreman changes the subject back to the drugs, saying drug three (Worldssorestkneesasil -- lame. How about Murderedparentsasil?) is an autoimmune treatment with "almost no side effects" because it probably doesn't work. Foreman says there are a million ways the three drugs could interact with each other. House doesn't feel like taking the time to find out which one is doing what and orders them to put Brandon on dialysis to clean his system out for good. Taub the Negative points out that a "rapid detox" could lead to other complications. House says complications they can predict are much better than ones they can't.