House is still in the bathtub. Cuddy arrives and takes in the scene: blood everywhere, House looking nearly dead and shivering with his leg sliced open and an excised tumor hanging out in a dish nearby. But Cuddy isn't alone! Yes, she brought her fucking 3 year old along. I'm sorry, but no. You do not bring your tiny young daughter to House's apartment when he is lying in a bathtub full of his own blood. If you can't find a baby-sitter at midnight, then you call an ambulance for House and let them help him or you put Rachel in the car and drive to Wilson's house to tell him what's going on and have him go help House. Cuddy tells Rachel to sit on the couch in the living room, so I sure hope House cleaned up all those glass shards that were on the floor earlier. And that he doesn't have random Vicodin pills lying around where a small child could find and eat them. Seriously, House's apartment is probably a death trap for an unattended tiny child. Hell, House himself has almost died there several times over the years.
Once Rachel is gone, House assures Cuddy that she was the last person on his list of people to call if he found himself in the middle of self-surgery and unable to continue. Cuddy asks him why he didn't just call 911. Um, why didn't you, Cuddy? "It's not an emergency," House says. He explains that he was just trying to remove a few "small" tumors that were close to the surface of his skin. "I thought it'd be like removing a wart," he says. Okay, so I guess he is an idiot, then. He's certainly not the genius doctor we're supposed to think he is if he thinks removing three tumors is that simple and easy. Cuddy asks why House didn't just give his scans to a real surgeon in the morning. House says surgeons are "idiots" who would "just hack away the muscle." Unlike House, who is so smart that he delicately and carefully operated on his own leg muscle while his hand was shaking uncontrollably due to shock and pain. Oh, and did it in the very sterile environment of his bathroom. Cuddy says House just didn't want to get in trouble for the reason he got those tumors in the first place. House ignores her and starts instructing her on how to find and remove the other two tumors. Cuddy has no intention of doing so. She'll be taking House to the hospital.
Chase speeds dangerously through the New Jersey streets. Hadley and Darrien are in the backseat, and Darrien is upset that she's being taken to a hospital and probably jail. Chase says he'll go in and find a patient on life support, then use her name on all of Darrien's tests. That way, he says, Darrien won't get caught. And Chase and Hadley won't get caught either? Because I'm pretty sure that's against the rules.
Oh, good. Rachel is in the front seat of Cuddy's car, looking back at House and his horrific leg wound. She asks House what happened to him, and he says he was trying to make his leg "better." Great, now Rachel thinks that cutting one's leg open is a way to make it "better." Cuddy says House was being "reckless," as if a three-year-old knows what that even means. She's totally cutting her leg open when she gets home. I'm sure Cuddy, terrible parent that she is, has made no effort to hide the knives from her child either, so she should have no problem finding proper cutting tools. Cuddy starts in with the lecture, saying that House was trying to make his life better by making his leg better, which we already heard from Wilson last week. "I've had a lot of setbacks lately," House says passive-aggressively. Cuddy won't let him blame her dumping him for his current state. "You're not unhappy because of me. You're just unhappy," she says.
Darrien is on the verge of passing out, so Hadley tries to keep her awake and alert by asking her what she hallucinated in Hadley's bedroom. Chase comments that the words Darrien used when yelling at the hallucination sounded like something a cop would say. Darrien can't help but admit that he's correct. You see, Darrien used to be a police officer. Hadley's all annoyed that Darrien didn't tell her about her past life when Hadley apparently told her everything about her own life. HA! See how it feels when people are all annoying and secretive, Hadley! At least Darrien had a reason not to tell anyone about her past, since, as she says, the last thing you want people to know about you in jail is that you used to be a police officer. As for the hallucination she apologized to over and over again? It was a 19-year-old who pulled a gun on her, so she had to shoot him. And her department apparently has terrible mental health services for this kind of thing, so she never got over the guilt and that's why she became the drug addict she is today. With that, she passes out.
Chase puts his foot on the gas. I totally thought they were going to get in a huge car accident with Cuddy, Rachel, and House's car, but no. The Cuddymobile is stopped at a red light and it's going to stay there until the light turns green, even though House thinks Cuddy should just run it. "The light is red, you bloody scallywag!" Rachel says. Cuddy orders her to stop with the pirate talk, prompting House to start with more pirate talk, delighting Rachel. Cuddy figures out who introduced Rachel to the pirate cartoon in the first place. "What kind of idiot lets a three-year-old watch that?" Cuddy snaps. Yeah, because that's so much worse than exposing her to a half-dead guy bleeding all over the backseat of the car or being the idiot who left her daughter with that kind of idiot in the first place. "If you want to lecture me on my poor judgment, there would seem to be more relevant examples," House mutters, admitting, for the first time, that this was a terrible, terrible idea.
Foreman finds Taub lingering in the parking lot of Bump N' Grind, the most unoriginally named strip club in New Jersey. Taub tells Foreman about how and why he got kicked out of the club. Foreman laughs at him and says they should go home. But Taub wants to stick around until closing time so he can talk to the stripper about her mole. This is a terrible idea, what with that bouncer ready and willing to beat the crap out of Taub for appearing to stalk one of the strippers, but Foreman thinks Taub actually wants to get beaten up as a way of punishing himself for getting Ruby pregnant. Foreman tells Taub the best thing he can do is go home and get some sleep to figure this all out, but Taub insists on staying. Foreman takes a cab home, thus making him the only smart and sane person in this entire episode. Well, Wilson too, I guess, but I don't know if one shot of him sleeping while his phone vibrates should count as being in the episode.
Hadley and Chase scan Darrien's brain. Chase wants to know why Hadley is risking so much for Darrien. Hadley says she made a promise, and promises are really important to her. Chase figures out that's because Hadley promised her brother she would kill him, thus allowing her to blame the promise she made for his death and not herself. Which means she has to keep every promise she makes, or else she'll feel really bad about killing her brother or whatever. Hadley just says that she did the best thing for her brother and that Darrien doesn't have a bleed in her brain. She does, however, have a fever.
Cuddy, Rachel, and House hang out in the ER. I'm assuming they're in PPTH, but I kind of expected better from its ER. House's heart rate says he's going into shock and he has a huge open gash in his tumor-filled leg, and yet, they're making him lie on a gurney in the hallway. Maybe they had a rush of people who also tried to do surgery on themselves? Cuddy fusses over House while he talks to Rachel about pirate cartoons. They have very different opinions about one episode; Rachel thought it was "so funny," while House found it to be "so lame." Cuddy grabs Rachel and runs off to find a nurse for House before he dies, leaving House to answer his ringing cell phone. It's Chase and Hadley, who need help diagnosing Darrien. House is a little annoyed with them for not taking his call when he needed them, but I guess he's bored, too, so he o