House
Airborne

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Flakes On A Plane

We begin in the home of an older woman who loves cats. We know this because there are cat figurines all over her shelves and cat pictures on the walls. The woman, whom we will know as Fran, answers the door and lets a professionally dressed woman named Robin inside. Robin compliments Fran's house, and Fran seems nervous. Robin hands over a list of her mysterious agency's "full range of services" in a strange, mannered, fake saleswoman-y way. Fran orders the "Round The World" deluxe package, which costs one thousand dollars. At this point, I'm figuring Robin is a travel agent who makes house calls. Robin says that satisfaction is guaranteed "twice," which is always great for an exotic trip, and Fran heads to her bedroom to get the money. She grabs a wad of hundred dollar bills out of her dresser (I guess Robin is one of those travel agents who doesn't take credit cards?) and tells her cat to get off her dresser and out of the bedroom.

Robin suddenly enters, wearing a smile and not a whole lot more. I'm starting to think she isn't a travel agent after all. Then again, my hometown used to have this travel agency that closed, and then the building was bought and used by a secret swingers' club. So maybe there's something like that going on. Either way, this is an unexpected development. Fran is so shocked that her vision gets blurry. Or maybe it's not shock so much as it is shame for wearing a freaking cardigan and a turtleneck to an appointment with a prostitute. I mean, I know this is her first time and all, but even though I've never ordered a prostitute, I know that if I did, I wouldn't wear clothes for a Sunday morning knitting circle when I met her. Fran promptly passes out, her money fluttering to the floor after her. Robin's fake smile disappears. "Oh, God," she says, so put out by her customer's gross display of dying on her. She actually does kneel down and try to shake Fran awake until she sees the pile of money on the floor. She grabs it and stuffs it into her scrap of a dress under the watchful eyes of Harrington the Cat, who probably hates Fran and doesn't care that she's dying and being robbed, because cats hate all people. But something about Harrington the Cat makes Robin grab the phone and call 911. I guess if you're going to hire a hooker, it's good to hire one with a Heart Of Gold.

When we return, I'm sad to see that we're still with Fran and Robin. I must admit, I have been waiting and waiting for the fun plane hijinks to begin ever since I heard about this episode. House and Cuddy trapped on a plane full of sick people? Surely, this will be the greatest episode in House history, and possibly in the history of all of television (with the exception, of course, of that episode of Dallas where Sue Ellen got totally drunk and fell down the stairs, and Lucy saw it all but was high on pills, so she just stood there and laughed at Sue Ellen instead of calling an ambulance). But instead, we have to spend time with Wilson, who's given the job of taking care of Fran, since I guess fainting is cancer now. Also because with House and Cuddy gone, he's the only doctor left at PPTH except for those surgeons we only see when House is interrupting them and making them really angry. Robin is still at Fran's side, which is really nice of her, even if she did take Fran's money. Robin has also changed back into her professional business attire alter ego. She's like a superhero with those quick changes! Wilson's amazing doctor skills uncover a motion-sickness patch on Fran's neck, left over from a trip from which she just returned. Could this trip have included a plane ride with House and Cuddy? Is there a flashback on the way? No: Wilson just says that those patches can cause dizziness. The dizziness made Fran fall, and then she hit her head on the floor, which caused her to black out.

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