Outside the room, House and NDJWWHPF bicker. NDJWWHPF tells House to be nicer to people. He's about two seasons away from planting a kiss on House's lips. House takes his advice under the careful consideration you'd expect and then orders NDJWWHPF to break into Megan's house. "I'm not breaking into somebody's house," NDJWWHPF says. Right, because impersonating a doctor is totally legal. "...for less than a fifty," he adds.
Apparently, House is too cheap for that, as the next time we see him, he's in the car with Wilson, who stupidly thought he was being driven to lunch and doesn't understand why they're driving around some New Jersey suburb instead. "Dibs on the cold pizza!" House singsongs as Wilson just stares at him in defeat.
House's lock-picking skills have gotten rusty over the summer, so he has to break a window instead. It's Ben and Megan's own fault for having windows so close to their front door. House allows Wilson to sit around while he inspects the kitchen for parasites and fungi. A few seconds go by until Wilson starts lecturing House about how he needs a team. At this, House uncharacteristically winces in pain from his squatting position underneath a sink. Then he groans, and Wilson feels bad for him and starts swabbing the area for him while House grins triumphantly and goes off to check the bedroom (perv).
Ben and Megan's bedroom looks like Pier One threw up all over it. House looks around and sees one book out of place on the shelf that might as well be a neon sign that says "SOMETHING IS AMISS HERE." House finds a small moleskin diary behind the book and immediately sets about reading. He walks into the kitchen and tells Wilson about his discovery. "She had a secret diary," he says. "Is there any other kind?" Wilson asks. Ask Anne Frank. By the way, Wilson has given up on trying to find mold and is clipping coupons for liquid Tide, which is probably what Robert Sean Leonard actually does all day on the set when he is being woefully underused. Curiosity soon gets the better of Wilson and he asks House what's in the diary. House says it's a bunch of scandalous sex, but Wilson says House would be "quoting, not summarizing" if that were the case. Or jackin' it. Or both. House reveals that the diary is just a "parade of sad banalities." But is there a column from James Brady? Starting three months ago, though, Megan suddenly seems much happier and more optimistic. House wonders if this is due to a secret stash of anti-depressants. Or Wilson as a barista. If the ER didn't know she was on MAO inhibitors and gave her Demerol, that could cause her current symptoms. Only if those symptoms are "good times." Wilson doesn't think convincing Ben that his girlfriend had a secret life of depression and MAOIs will go over well and thinks it could lead to fisticuffs, but House says he only has to reason with the mother. And she hits like a girl.