House
Autopsy

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | 3 USERS: A+
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Crossing The Line

Chase prepares Andie for her MRI. She tells us all about the benefits of having a central line for chemo instead of an IV, and this episode was totally brought to you by Central Line, Inc. Chase has great fun putting up various backgrounds behind the MRI tube for Cancer Girl's enjoyment, although the real credit for that goes to the woman controlling the screens and not to Chase, who just snaps his fingers to create the illusion that he is a god, which is comforting to him since he is so powerless in real life. He probably wishes he could snap his fingers and turn his boss into a butterfly sometimes. Andie rejects the fake park and butterfly backdrops because there's no point in pretending that you're not in an MRI tube to find the source of your terrifying hallucinations when you actually are.

House limps through the Clinic and tries to check out. Evil Nurse Brenda ain't havin' that, and gives House another file. House says he's taking a sick day. "Take some Claritin," Cuddy non-sympathies, suddenly appearing from the other side of the desk. Evil Nurse Brenda says that the patient wanted a male doctor. "Balls are in your court, Doctor," Cuddy smirks. House says that this sexist doctor-choosing sets a dangerous precedent. But even appealing to Cuddy's sense of fairness and justice won't get House out of Clinic duty.

The patient has a big bloody spot on the crotch of his khakis that you'd think he might have tried to change out of before leaving the house, and House makes fun of him for not being able to operate a zipper. The patient nervously stammers that his new girlfriend had never been with an uncircumcised guy before, and House spits out some Yiddish as he turns to close the blinds. When he turns back, the guy's pants are down, exposing some kind of horrifying mess that makes House gasp in shock, horror, and universal male sympathy. The guy says he used box cutters, and continues to talk about the ins and outs of his amateur surgery technique until House asks him to stop talking because it's just too horrible for him even to think of. He leaves to find a plastic surgeon who can "get the Twinkie back in the wrapper." Offensive comment comparing a patient of Asian descent's wang to a yellow Twinkie, or clever metaphor to get around the network censors? You decide.

House's attempt to escape the hospital and go home sick are once again in vain, as the Cottages catch up to him outside the Clinic to report that the MRI and tox screen were clean. House tosses his backpack and cane to Cameron-come-coatrack and looks at the tests for himself. He notes that the oxygen saturation is one percentage point lower than usual, although it's still in the normal range. He thinks they should check that out, but the Cottages protest that even if House is right, the problem would be in Andie's lungs, not in her brain. Chase says that the lungs could lead to the brain, which was what House was thinking all along. The Cottages offer up explanations for something that could cause compromised lung function and brain problems. Chase laughs assholishly at Foreman's suggestion of some kind of scoliosis. House orders arterial blood gasses to confirm the hypoxia, a bunch of tests that he already knows will come back negative, and some kind of procedure that involves snaking a catheter through Andie's lungs. House is going home early to sleep off his allergies, but promises to bring them bagels tomorrow morning.

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House

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