Babies & Bathwater

Episode Report Card
Sara M: A+ | Grade It Now!
Cameron-Free is the Way to Be!

House enters Wilson's office and asks whether there are any clinical drug trials going on in the hospital for small cell lung cancer. Then he notices that Wilson is packing his office away in boxes. Uh oh. "I got sacked," Wilson says, and I was not aware that anyone in this country called getting fired "sacked." That and the Quisling reference makes me think this episode's writer is English. That, or a homesick Hugh Laurie is sneaking more familiar terms into the script. House jokes that Wilson shouldn't have made a pass at Cuddy, who only has "thighs" for House. Shockingly, Wilson isn't in the mood for fun, especially since, as he says, he was fired because he voted to keep House employed. And since he was the only one who voted against Vogler, Vogler now has the unanimous board support he needs to finally fire House. House clears things up by saying that Wilson wasn't fired -- just removed from the board. Wilson says that doesn't do his career any favors, so when Vogler gave him the option to resign instead, Wilson took it. As he angrily continues packing, Wilson says that there are only two things that matter to him in his life right now: his job, and his friendship with House. And neither one of them was enough for House to make that stupid speech. They look at each other until House looks away and softly says, "They matter." But no, not enough for him to go against his principals and make that speech. Wilson says that House will be fired soon too, so maybe they can hang out together during their unemployment vacation. House gets back to business and asks again about those clinical drug trials. Wilson says he'll make some calls, and takes Naomi's chart. "Thanks," says House, looking like the Guiltiest Man in the World.

Cuddy has her latest patient bent over the examining table while she inspects the ins and outs of his ass. The diagnosis is hemorrhoids. The patient protests that there sure was a lot of bleeding for hemorrhoids, and wonders if it's cancer. Does he want cancer? Otherwise, shut up and go buy some Prep H. House walks right on into the room, giving the Clinic's staff and visitors a chance to weigh in on the hemorrhoids/ass cancer debate themselves. Fifteen people voted for hemorrhoids, while one desk secretary voted for the ass cancer. This was followed by a second vote, in which everyone voted to have the desk secretary fired so that their armchair diagnosis would be unanimous.

Back in the examining room, House tells Cuddy that her method of protecting his job has thus far been wholly unsuccessful. Cuddy says that's the way things go when you actively speak out against the man who signs everyone's paychecks. Vogler gave the hospital a lot of money that will save a lot of lives and, more importantly, buy a lot of plasma TVs. And while House is a great doctor, he's just not worth $100 million. Meanwhile, Mr. Bloody Hemorrhoids struggles to get his pants on over the lumpy mess of his ass.

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