House

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Nailed

Back at PPTH, Kumar tells Nicole's parents that they'll have to actually paralyze Nicole's muscles in order to stop her DTs and do the bubble test. Why don't they just give her some alcohol? I know that's not ideal, but it might be safer than putting her in a Phenobarbital coma. Nicole weakly says she wanted to stop drinking. Her father steps forward and gives his sob story about everything they've been through to try to save their alcoholic daughter, even picking her up from bars in the middle of the night. He doesn't seem to realize how lucky he is that that didn't lead to a fatal bus accident. Nicole turns to Kumar and says she used to say she'd get it together and stop drinking, but she doesn't say that anymore. Kumar's just like, "uh ... why are they telling me about their family dramarama?" He says they can make Nicole healthy first, and worry about the sober part later. As in, shut up with the drinking lectures, Dad.

And speaking of dads, someone convinced House to put a tie on for the funeral, which is currently underway. While the rest of the mourners listen to the priest and recite things, House and Wilson rudely and loudly argue about how much of an impact Father House really had on House's life. House says none, while Wilson points out that House has done everything possible to defy all of the rules Father House held so dear. So if you're like Father House, you're an ass. But if you're the opposite, you're still an ass. What's the point of even trying? House ignores Wilson to scan the crowd, noting that the man he thinks is his real father is in attendance. We don't get to actually see him, but Wilson says he looks like Sean Connery. Oooh, will we get a Sean Connery guest appearance in the future? I doubt it, but you never know. House reveals that he did tell his father about his suspicions regarding his true paternity, which Wilson can't believe. He asks House how Father House took the news. "I already told you. He didn't speak to me for a summer," House says.

Mother House summons her son up to the podium to say a few words. House still looks like he's hoping something will happen that will get him out of doing this, but it doesn't, so he limps up, casts a backwards glance at his father's body (R. Lee Ermey, collecting an easy paycheck!), and starts improvising. He starts out by noting that all the military people present are his father's rank or higher, because he father didn't treat his underlings very well. Wilson rolls his eyes, knowing what's coming. House says his father was a man who refused to see any point of view but his own, and punished what he perceived to be failure. The funeral attendees, meanwhile, don't seem too upset to hear any of this. I'd at least be staring at my shoes in the universal sign for "this is getting awkward." And then, amazingly, House stops himself and decides not to be an asshole. Sort of. He says his father loved his work, and saw it as more important than even his personal relationships. "Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son," he says; "but I am what I am because of him." Well, that's a shitty legacy to leave, Father House. House tries to say something else, but he chokes up and leaves the podium. I don't see any tears in his eyes, though. He turns and bends over to kiss his dad, which Wilson finds shocking enough to get up and check out for himself. Sure enough, although House does actually kiss his dad's forehead, his real reason for being there is to snip off a piece of his dad's ear for DNA testing.

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House

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