House

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Nailed

House tosses a plastic bag full of licorice root he found in the box o'drugs at Foreman, who is confused as to why he's being offered licorice root. House says Nicole's Chinese doctors gave it to her. "They were treating her for ... SARS?" Foreman asks, getting all quiet when he says SARS like it's something anyone should really be afraid of. Least scary pandemic ever. I mean, come on. If it can be treated with black Twizzlers, it isn't scary. House says SARS explains Nicole's rude coughing, which could have given her an ischemic bowel. It fits, except that, as Foreman points out, the "lung involvement" isn't really on the SARS level. Really. She coughed weakly once. I've had chest colds that were worse. House doesn't care. He tells Foreman to start Nicole on some drugs that are slightly more hardcore than a baggy of licorice.

Cuddy comes to House's office in an always misguided attempt to treat him like a human being. She apologizes for his dad's death. House says he's not sorry, so she doesn't have to be either. She tries again, asking if there's anything she can do. He says he could use some company in bed tonight. She gives up and whips out a syringe, saying it's an Ig shot for anyone who had contact with the new SARS case. Apparently, none of the nurses wanted to administer it to House. How I miss Evil Nurse Brenda! If only she hadn't taken that lucrative position at St. Sebastian's (yes, I am making up back stories for extremely minor characters on this show), she would have volunteered! And she would have used the biggest gauge needle she could find, too! The size of a turkey baster! House rolls up his sleeve, but Cuddy says this shot works better in "a large muscle. Drop your pants." Whoa! Oh, wait -- she meant his butt. Well, he's shot up her ass plenty of times before, so at least now she gets to return the favor. And while we were treated to a side shot of her ass during those scenes, we do not get the same when it comes to House. Sorry, ladies!

Cuddy becomes an even bigger pain in House's ass by telling him that the funeral is tomorrow and his mother wants him to give the eulogy. Why? Why does she want that? She knows House doesn't want to go to the funeral in the first place, so much so that she had to call his boss about it, so why would she press her luck by insisting he give a eulogy too? Give up the dream, woman! House says he'd be happy to deliver a "bastardogy," to which Cuddy tells him to "be a grown-up" and call his mother and lie that he's too busy to attend the funeral. Erm ... no, Cuddy. Being a grown-up would be calling your mother and telling her the truth. Or having made peace with your asshole father years ago so that you could bear to attend his funeral. House says his mother knows when he's lying. "Then start writing," Cuddy says.

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House

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