House

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | 1 USERS: C+
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Get Happy

We open on Cuddy in bed, since this show is no longer about patients. Seriously, isn't this, like, the tenth episode this season to open in Cuddy's bed? What happened between last season and this one that made the writers decide that we wanted to be in Cuddy's bed all the time? Are they just really tired lately? Cuddy wakes up to her 6:30 alarm, only to find House has already left for work. Oh, no, wait -- he's just hiding under her bed waiting for her to walk past so he can grab her leg and scare the crap out of her. It's the only thing he'll ever get up early for. Cuddy remarks that she's dating a ten year-old, like that's news. They make out on the floor for a while with their stinky morning breath (every time I see people kissing first thing in a morning on TV all I can think about it is how they have morning breath) until Cuddy runs off to pee. She's in the bathroom all of two seconds before letting out a panicked "House?" House ignores her, as he's too busy making comments about all the cool stuff he found under Cuddy's bed. "House, shut up," Cuddy says. He does, and Cuddy follows that up by informing him that she's peeing blood. Which, on this show, can only mean two things: her kidneys are shutting down, and she should be happy she's not shitting blood, like most patients.

After the abbreviated opening credits, Cuddy is at PPTH being prepared to have a cystoscope shoved up her urethra. House is by her side, which she appreciates. The Cottages are there, too, which she is not as thrilled with. House says they have to be here for a differential diagnosis session on House's actual patient of the week, a sixteen-year-old boy named Ryan who spit up blood during a pick-up basketball game. Lung and gastrointestinal causes have already been ruled out, so Martha M. Masters and Taub suggest a few other possibilities. Cuddy's doctor says he's ready to get to work on Cuddy now, and Cuddy orders House to remove the Cottages, as her urethra is not here to entertain them. House comments that it is "good time adjacent" and sends them off to send a camera through Ryan's digestive system to check for Taub's suggestion of angiodysplasia.

They leave, and House asks Cuddy's doctor to be on the lookout for a watch he lost while he's poking around in Cuddy's private area. This gets him removed from the room as well. Meanwhile, really, Cuddy? A little blood in your urine and you're having a scope stuck up your peehole? You know, one time, I peed blood and not only did I finish out the rest of my shift at work, but I also didn't run around the ER I went to afterwards demanding all these extensive medical tests. They just gave me a bunch of antibiotics for a UTI and sent me on my way.

As Ryan's parents look on, Taub shows them the tiny little camera pill Ryan is going to swallow and asks why his medical records show some weight loss over the past year. Ryan's dad says it's probably because Ryan's been eating less after quitting the swim team, which is obviously a sore spot for the entire family, as Ryan defensively says he wasn't having fun because he had to wake up early. Taub then sends the parents out of the room so he can talk to their son about sex, only to ask Ryan how long he's been cutting himself, noting the suspiciously even and straight scars on his stomach. Ryan claims he fell off his skateboard into a fence. Taub asks another question. Noting Ryan's loss of appetite and quitting an activity he used to enjoy, he asks Ryan how long he's been depressed.

Taub reports to House that the camera pill didn't find anything, but he was able to find out that Ryan is depressed and smoking pot to feel better. If the pot was laced with toxic chemicals, that could cause Ryan's spitting blood problem. Some other PPTH employee walks up and hands House a chart in exchange for some cash. House tells Taub to check Ryan's blood for toxins and takes off without, much to Taub's annoyance, giving Taub any money. Sorry, Taub, but that's only for the PPTH employees with no morals or sense of patient confidentiality. Which, come to think of it, accurately describes Taub.

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House

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