House reports to Cuddy's office and reads off the results of her cystoscopy, which show that there are no problems in her bladder. Cuddy isn't too upset about the fact that someone besides her was able to get his hands on her confidential information, thus showing some serious issues with the staff of the hospital she runs, and says the clean cystoscopy isn't proof that her kidneys aren't the problem. House dismisses this, saying Cuddy is just worrying about this more than she should or normally would because of her mother's health scare last month. He warns her that if she's not careful, she'll become a hypochondriac just like her mother. Except for the part where it was suggested that Murphy wasn't a hypochondriac after all, but really did have all those symptoms she complained about and her stupid doctor daughter ignored them instead of checking to make sure her mother's artificial hip wasn't leaking cobalt all over the place. Cuddy says House is right and she's probably making a big deal out of nothing. House nods and tells her to meet him in the cafeteria, where a corn dog that he no doubt stole or paid for with Wilson's credit card will be waiting for her. Wow, a corn dog? She really is dating a ten-year-old. An easily-fooled ten-year-old, for as soon as House is out the door, Cuddy is on the phone scheduling a kidney ultrasound.
Back with the patient we don't care about, Taub hooks Ryan up to an IV treatment for his possible toxin exposure and Ryan thanks him for not telling his father how Taub suspects Ryan was exposed. Taub says he was sixteen once, too. Ryan says Taub must also have been depressed, since he realized what was going on with Ryan in just a few minutes when Ryan's family and friends have been clueless for months. I'm sure if Ryan's family and friends got a look at the obvious self-harm scars on Ryan's belly, they would have figured it out, too. Taub suggests that Ryan talk to his parents instead of waiting for them to notice something. Ryan says he's tried, but it always ends with them taking his unhappiness personally and him having to make them feel better instead of the other way around. It must suck to have selfish pricks for parents. Ryan says they don't "get" him. No one does. So, Taub decides to open up to Ryan, saying that when he was in medical school, he couldn't handle the pressure as well as everyone else seemed to be able to and ended up "hurting [him]self." So I guess he lied to Kumar after all. Too bad; maybe if he had told Kumar the truth, Kumar would have come to him to talk instead of killing himself and going to work for Obama before signing on for another Harold and Kumar movie. Taub says hurting himself was "the stupidest thing [he's] ever done" (not cheating on Mrs. Taub? Okay... ) before noticing red spots in Ryan's eyeballs.
For some reason, Wilson is doing Cuddy's ultrasound. He tries to ease the tension by commenting on Cuddy's nice skin. Cuddy thanks him for the compliment, then tells him to "talk to [her] like any other patient." Um, Cuddy? He is. Lest we forget that Wilson sleeps with his patients from time to time. Wilson talks to Cuddy like any other patient by asking her if she's sucking in her stomach. Cuddy claims that she isn't, then admits that she is. It's all fun and games until Wilson finds a mass in Cuddy's kidney.
You guys!! Who IS that handsome man playing a dolphin guitar in the Dairy Queen commercial? Such talent! Such salesmanship! He makes me want to buy Dairy Queen cheeseburgers ALL THE TIME! Where can we see more of this man??? My opinion is totally unbiased.
After the break, House and the Cottages are in the meeting room discussing Ryan's newest symptom. Well, the Cottages are. House's nose is stuck in a laptop. Martha is clueless as to what could possibly be distracting House, while Chase finally asks him if everything is okay with Cuddy. House slams the laptop shut and says she's fine but "too stupid" to accept it. Cuddy is too stupid to do a lot of things. Like be the Dean of Medicine. Also, Chase got a haircut and I don't like it. Just wanted to throw that out there. House tells the Cottages to start Ryan on antibiotics for the staph infection he doesn't have and heads out.
House bursts into a meeting Cuddy is having with her lawyer, in which she goes over what should happen to her finances and her daughter in the event of her death. House accuses her of overreacting to the results of an ultrasound that was probably performed by an idiot. He's right about that last part, that's for sure. Cuddy claims that she's just calmly going about her daily business, but House knows that she's meeting with her personal estate lawyer because he hacked into her online schedule. Cuddy rolls her eyes, although if she really didn't want House to hack into her account, she'd make it slightly more difficult for him to do so. Cuddy says that as a single mother, she has to make sure Rachel is provided for if anything happens to her, and really should have done this a long time ago. True, but House says Cuddy is obviously only doing this now because she thinks she's sick, and she should at least wait until the biopsy results. Cuddy says that won't be until tomorrow, which was the first opening in the schedule. House is outraged that Cuddy would take the first available appointment like everyone else when she's the Dean of Medicine at this hospital. He insists that she use her position to get a biopsy done right now, and Cuddy asks why he's so intent on her getting a biopsy if he doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. "Good point," House admits, and trudges off. Cuddy's lawyer watches the entire scene, no doubt thinking he'd admire Cuddy for winning that argument if he didn't lose all respect for her for dating a guy like House in the first place.
Ryan has a visitor! But he's not sending Ryan any get well soon wishes; rather, he's calling Ryan an "asshat" and demanding his "stuff." Ryan says he doesn't have it to give to him, seeing as how he's in a hospital bed right now and doesn't even have pants, let alone whatever the kid wants. Taub walks in on this, and the kid quickly leaves. Taub asks Ryan what that was about, and Ryan admits that he got his hands on some Klonopin and sold them to his visitor for $80, only to wind up in PPTH before he could give him the pills. He claims selling drugs was a "one-time thing," but I'd be more apt to believe the kid buying the drugs was the newbie, since he stupidly gave his dealer money without getting any drugs in return. Taub decides to help Ryan out and gives him $80 out of his own pocket to give to "the thug." I would think Taub was being naively kind to this kid if I wasn't distracted by how out of character this all is.
Sister Cuddy signs off on being Rachel's legal guardian should anything ever happen to Cuddy. She asks if House is "okay" with this, as if the guy Cuddy's been dating for a few months would or should have any say on what happens to Cuddy's child. Cuddy's sister may not have been serious about House becoming Rachel's guardian, though, as she then goes on to say that although Cuddy and House have only been dating for a few months, Cuddy's been complaining about him and what a jerk he is for at least ten years. "People change," Cuddy smiles. Except that she told House she didn't want or expect him to change when they first started dating. And then she changed.
Suddenly, we're watching a sitcom. It's like a combination of My Two Dads and Two and a Half Men, with an older version of Rachel as The Child and Wilson and House as the two men who could not be more different but are stuck raising her. Also, it is taped before a live studio audience, who say "Ooooo!" when Wilson opens the door to reveal Rachel and a police officer. Wilson, the responsible adult character, lectures Rachel on getting in an hour past curfew. Rachel blames this on the police officer refusing to run any red lights on the way home. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!" says the audience. Police Officer says Rachel h