Cuddy is crying in her office. House walks in, still looking spooked from when he realized that his right brain knew about the cancer. Cuddy steels herself for insults, but only gets this: "do you have more than one lipstick in the same shade? Maybe one that has a sealing agent and one that doesn't?" I guess that's better than asking her to move in, but Cuddy is very confused. House gives up on that mystery and asks Cuddy if she isn't overreacting to "the other night." Cuddy says she probably is, since it's not like House hasn't said mean things to her before. Like the time he said she'd be a terrible mother. That was way harsh. She continues that she's happy she reached her last straw because she now knows that they never had a personal relationship and never could.
Now it's House's turn to be confused. Of all the things he and Cuddy did the other night, whatever he said to her was the last thing he'd expect her to hold on to. "You insulted me, I walked out," she says. Oh really? We go back to the last episode, when House went to Cuddy's office to beg for her help but first said "go suckle the little bastard child who makes you feel good about yourself." And then Cuddy said "screw you" and walked away. In the present time, House turns around and looks at the doors to Cuddy's office. Cuddy starts thinking there's something wrong with this picture. In the flashback, Cuddy opens the door and walks out. "No, no, that -- that's not what happened," House says. Could the camera perhaps back off his face a little bit? I know we're trying to do something creative here, but come on. "I told you that I needed you -- you helped me," House says. Here's where the chills start to run up and down my spine and I get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. How does this show still manage to do that? "Are you okay?" Cuddy asks. House reaches into his pocket to pull out the lipstick tube. But it's not lipstick. It's a pill bottle. Horrified, House drops it on the floor and staggers back. Cuddy forgets her anger and runs to him.
Back in the flashback, House is hovering over his toilet. Cuddy's sitting on the floor with him. Then we see what really happened -- she disappears, and House sitting next to the toilet with the lid down, twirling a pill bottle in his hand. He takes a pill and throws the bottle on the floor. After that, he probably goes to chase after it while hallucinating that Cuddy stopped him. Creepy! Cuddy and House make out all over the living room. A wasted-looking House staggers around by himself. In the present, Cuddy is stroking House's chin. Back in the flashback, House limps to his bedroom by himself to have sex with a hallucination. The next morning, he looks at his face in the mirror. The lipstick isn't smeared on his cheek. He looks down at the sink and smiles. But it's not a tube of lipstick. It's the pill bottle. House opens the tube of lipstick. House opens the bottle of pills. And takes them over and over and over again. And then there's CTB!!!! Yes! They managed to surprise me with her not once, but twice! She gets nice and close to House's ear and whispers "so ... this is the story you made up about who you are. It's a nice one." Yes, it was. Except for the part where he got himself fired. That was kind of upsetting. And then standing in front of House? "Too bad it isn't true," Kumar says. Kumar! I'm glad the last we saw of him wasn't half of his body lying in a pool of blood. CTB backs off so that Cuddy's hand can return to House's face. "No. I'm not okay," he whispers. Well, there you go. It turns out that all the problems I had with last week's episode weren't problems at all. House's rapid detox, Cuddy leaving her baby behind to some instant overnight baby-sitter, Wilson disappearing -- all the plotholes and weirdness was intentional. I doubted the writers, and I shouldn't have. This little twist was pretty cool and, like most of this show's season finales, I never saw it coming. Too bad we had to lose the House/Cuddy sex to get it, especially after seeing how much House might actually care about her.