Episode Report Card
Sara M: C- | 2 USERS: B+
House, Interrupted

House's request is ignored. Meanwhile, Alvie comes up with what I must admit sounds like a genius plan to revolutionize the long jump: go headfirst and then, right before you land, flip over and get three extra feet or so. This also sounds like my childhood contingency plan for what I would do if I ever found myself falling off a cliff while standing on a giant boulder like Wile E. Coyote often does: jump off the boulder at the very last second before it hits the ground. Then it would be like I was only falling a foot and I wouldn't die. With that, some guy flops on the floor and screams about his head until a nurse walks out of the window room to calmly inform him that he won't get any Haldol no matter how hard he tries. Meanwhile, there's a guy in a cowboy hat sitting in the background. Of course. Where's the guy dressed as Napoleon? Behind the corner, no doubt. Let's see how many other mental hospital clich├ęs this show can fit in. The guy, who goes by Hal in the ward because he apparently loves his Haldol, calms down immediately once he realizes he won't get anything out of his fake fit. House notices a piano in the corner of the room which Alvie tells him not to bother with, as it's kept locked shut. So why have it there at all? To taunt the patients?

Meanwhile, House is being observed from afar by Beasley, Nolan, and some other guy who looks a lot like T.R. Knight, named Dr. Medina. Medina wonders why House would threaten them when he must know, as a fellow doctor, that acting out will only confirm their diagnosis. Nolan shrugs that House might have said it because he honestly thinks it'll work. "Patient makes a threat, you should always be concerned," he says. I'm not sure how much stock I can put in his expert medical opinion, however, since he only seems to hire the hottest and youngest doctors to work under him. Actually, that kind of reminds me of someone ...

Group therapy time! Beasley introduces (or in Alvie's case, re-introduces) the two new arrivals to the group and Alvie stands up and seriously I am going to throw my TV out the freaking window if he doesn't shut the fuck up. Ha! Beasley calls House "Greg." That sucks. House insta-diagnoses his fellow group therapy patients with claustrophobia (we put people in mental hospitals for that?), paranoia, anorexia (the same guy who wanted Haldol is also apparently anorexic. Don't they have dedicated care facilities for anorexics that would probably serve him better?), and a suicide attempt. Beasley gently informs him that some subjects are not to be brought up in group therapy, to which House apologizes, saying he feels so bad about breaking a rule on his first day that he wants to kill himself. Way to mess with the system, House! They'll surely have no choice but to let you out now. No one can stand that much wit! Beasley ends the group session all of two minutes after it began and the other patients take off to be with more pleasant people, like Catatonic Gabby. Beasley smirks that House isn't the first uncooperative patient they've had in Ward Six. "Really? Is there a club?" asks House. Beasley says there is, in fact, and invites House to come to the clubhouse. I wouldn't do that, House.

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