Carrot or Stick

Episode Report Card
admin: B+ | Grade It Now!
Basic Training
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Before I begin, I must issue a correction from last week's recap. I said that House watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey made him like my mother. My mother would like you all to know that she "would never stoop so low" as to watch The Real Housewives of New Jersey, although she does watch The Real Housewives of New York, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, The Real Housewives of Atlanta, and The Real Housewives of DC.

She also never sent me to one of those boot camps for teenagers who behave badly, unlike the kids running through a muddy obstacle course in the rain that open the episode. Drill sergeant-esque men watch and yell at them. One kid says he doesn't feel well, but he's just a red herring. The real sick person is one of the boot camp instructors, who is in the middle of yelling at the fake sick kid again for daring to let his fresh head wound bleed all over the obstacle course when he suddenly drops to his knees, saying his back hurts and he can't move. The bleeding kid throws that right back in his face, repeating the guy's own "'Can't' doesn't exist here" mantra before walking away from him without trying to help.

Chase saunters in to work to find the Cottages staring at House's computer screen. He asks what's so interesting, and they say it's actually his profile page, which features a picture of Chase naked and with a penis that Chase claims is "much much smaller" than it should be. Everyone laughs at him, although he says he'll prove that the penis in the picture isn't his by whipping it out, which is something you can do when you know that your work's HR department is a bag of fail. Chase tries to figure out who took the picture, and it turns out that it's in the bathroom of the hotel they went to for that wedding, which means the culprit must be one of the three women he had sex with that night. Upon hearing this, Martha M. Masters says, rather matter-of-factly, "ah, you're a whore."

House finally arrives with a new file: the former Marine suffering from back pain and the inability to pee. Martha M. Masters says their new patient "makes a living bullying kids" before coming up with steroid abuse due to the man's "suspiciously good shape for his age." House says that is a moronic suggestion, but finds it interesting that Martha equates discipline with bullying and wonders what that says about how she was raised. This from the guy whose dad stuck him in a bathtub full of ice water and made him sleep outside or whatever? Okay. Martha tries to deflect by saying that House only approves of the patient's methods because he runs his department the same way, thinking that "cruelty ensures performance." She casts a sideways look at Chase as she says "performance," although I'm not sure if that was intentional in light of his tiny penis or not. House agrees with Martha, then with Chase's suggestion that they stick a catheter up Driscoll's penis to find out why he can't pee. He sends everyone off to do this except Chase, saying that it would be mean to subject him to the sight of a normal-sized penis when Chase's is so very small. Chase sighs. I don't know why he thought House didn't know about that picture. House is probably the person who put it on Chase's site in the first place.

House heads for the cafeteria to have breakfast with Cuddy, only to find that she brought the child along. Cuddy says she's on her way to the doctor for vaccinations for preschool. House hopes the preschool is a boarding school, but it is not. In fact, Cuddy explains, Waldenwood is a very selective and prestigious preschool that she thinks Rachel has a chance to get into, even though she's currently eating her oatmeal with the wrong end of her spoon. House does not seem quite so hopeful.

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