House

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You Can't Win If You Don't Play

Cyrus hands Phil an envelope. Inside, he says, is a check for $10 million. Phil's eyes bug out. Hadley and Taub's do, too. Phil says Cyrus has already been more than generous with him, but Cyrus says that hiring Phil and paying him really well wasn't enough for his family member and his best friend over the years. Phil takes the check. Jennifer is so moved that she starts to cry. Hadley hands her a tissue, and notices that Jennifer is wearing contacts under her glasses. That's a little strange. Jennifer says she forgot to take them off. And didn't realize they were still in when she put her glasses on? I doubt it. Also, Hadley's ridiculously keen eyesight notes that the lenses are tinted brown. "Sometimes I like to mix it up," Jennifer shrugs. That gets Cyrus's attention. The Jennifer Williams he knew 23 years ago had brown eyes. This Jennifer Williams just wants people to think she has brown eyes. He asks her where his nickname for her, "Baby Bear," came from. She doesn't remember. Cyrus angrily says it's the name of a birthmark on her left breast that's shaped like a bear. Either Jennifer forgot about that, which is highly unlikely, or she never knew it in the first place. Because Phil never knew about it. It's the only thing about Jennifer that Cyrus never told Phil. He realizes that Phil, his cousin and best friend, apparently paid a woman to pretend to be Jennifer and convince Cyrus to give his cousin a shit-ton of money. That sucks, but it's still better than what I thought Phil was doing, which was poisoning Cyrus so he'd get all his money in the will. Cyrus screams at Phil and Jennifake to leave his room. Phil better run his ass off to an ATM and deposit that check quick before Cyrus cancels it. Cyrus is so upset that, as he tells Hadley she was right and that his life will always suck despite all the money he won, all of his organs fail.

Since the meeting room has been such a failure today, House and the Cottages meet up in the hallway to discuss Cyrus's case. He clearly doesn't have amyloidosis, so good thing his organs started to fail before they could hook him up to the unnecessary deadly chemo. Taub would rather discuss Cyrus's love life, saying that after a lifetime of crappiness and three cancers, it took one woman to actually make Cyrus miserable. "The truth made him miserable," Hadley says. WHO CARES? Also, I don't know if it was the fake Jennifer that upset Cyrus so much as it was the fact that his best friend and cousin put her up to it to try to get some money out of him. Before they can discuss it any further, though, the fire alarm goes off.

Outside, Cuddy meets with her PPTH people and gives them orders on how to proceed. Fires in hospitals are tricky business, since most of the patients are in the hospital because they're sick or injured, making it hard to move them all outside. Also, there are a lot of them. And they're usually hooked up to machines and stuff that can't just be plugged in the outside wall outlet. Oh, and some of the stuff they are hooked up to is oxygen, which you do not want to expose to the fire. Cuddy says that as long as the fire is contained in the administrative section, they won't have to evacuate any of the patients. Just as Cuddy walks past House, Murphy Brown suddenly appears, grinning sheepishly. Yes, it was Cuddy's mother who pulled the fire alarm, "explaining" that it was the only way to get House and Cuddy to meet with her again. So all someone has to do is pull a fire alarm to get all of PPTH to fly out of the hospital like that? There are patients just sitting in wheelchairs on the front lawn, for God's sake! There are doctors milling around in the driveway instead of treating their patients who may urgently need them! Like poor Cyrus, who is dying very quickly and his doctors can't think of a diagnosis because they're all standing around next to the firetrucks. PPTH is the worst hospital in the world.

So what was so important that Murphy Brown had to put several patient lives in danger? She says she's filing her lawsuit today. Great. PPTH can go and file one right back at her for deliberately pulling a fire alarm when there was no fire. I'm pretty sure that's a criminal offense, too. Especially if one of the patients were to die because of it. Cuddy is, of course, furious, and she and Murphy exchange insults about what failures they are as people until House cuts in and tells Murphy that he and Cuddy aren't getting back together. While Cuddy was too busy feeling hurt, betrayed, and furious with her mother for all of this, House realized that this was her way of trying to get Cuddy and House back together: by uniting them against a common enemy. Cuddy doesn't think that's what it is at all until she sees her mother's face. "Who else is gonna put up with either of you?" she asks. When Cuddy asked Murphy to move in, Murphy realized that there was no way Cuddy and House would get back together unless she "helped." And putting her own daughter through all of this pain and torture was the only way she could think of to do it? That's insane. "Some things take more than a common enemy," Cuddy says, hugging her mother. I wouldn't hug my mom after a stunt like that. I don't care how well-intentioned it was. "You're an idiot with impossible standards," Murphy says. Cuddy looks back for House, but he's gone.

You see, all this "common enemy" talk gave him an off-camera Epiphany Face. He heads for Cyrus's room and he figured out that there's a common enemy in Cyrus's body that caused all of his problems: a teratoma. What is a teratoma? House describes it as a "congenital growth which can be filled with almost any kind of tissue." I call it "one of those horrible tumors with hair and teeth. Yes, HAIR AND TEETH! THERE COULD BE A TUMOR IN YOUR BODY RIGHT NOW GROWING HAIR AND TEETH! SOMETIMES THEY CAN GROW LITTLE ARMS AAAHHHHHH THE HUMAN BODY IS A NIGHTMARE!" Anyway, Cyrus's teratoma was not full of hair or teeth or little arms, but with cells that differentiated into brain cells. Those cells somehow left the teratoma and entered Cyrus's blood stream, where his immune system saw them as a foreign object and created antibodies to fight them. Unfortunately, those antibodies started fighting the brain cells in Cyrus's brain, too. And then, somehow, some of the undifferentiated cells in Cyrus's teratoma also leaked out and started turning into all kinds of random specialized cells, causing his organs to fail. And also created those tumors and made them grow rapidly and were full of cancer too, somehow. Um, I'm not really sure how that all worked out in the end. I watched this several times and I still couldn't figure it out. I have a feeling the writers couldn't, either. Also, even though you'd think the teratoma damage was already done now that the cells have leaked out and created havoc all over Cyrus's body, House says that all they have to do is cut out the teratoma and his cancer tumors and he'll be just fine. That's not good enough for Cyrus, of course, who is still too upset about Jennifer to be happy about living.

That night, a blonde woman rolls over in bed next to Chase, who clearly isn't as chaste as he claimed to be, not like anyone cares. Also, is that blonde woman the same woman who claimed to be Jennifer? Or is that the PPTH nurse Foreman paid off? Or someone else entirely? I honestly can't tell. White people all look alike. Foreman monitors his own blood pressure in a dark room. Fun. A third Jennifer Williams shows up in Cyrus's room. This time, it's the real one. Hadley watches them from the nurse's station as House walks up and offers her a potato chip. She says this Jennifer Williams has the correct birthmark and Cyrus is renting her an apartment. House predicts that this will end horribly. Hadley says it probably will, but even if Jennifer Williams takes Cyrus for a ride and he ends up with nothing, she thinks he'll always be hopeful and therefore, always be happy. House decides that Hadley is trying to convince herself that she was meant to be miserable even before almost everyone in her family got Huntington's because she can't deal with

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