Oh, House! Oh, Wilson! Are you not both incorrigible? We join this episode of The Odd Couple 2K already in progress, Oscar (is that the one who is all messy and never did the dishes? That's the one I'm trying to compare to House) telling Wilson that he can't live with House anymore. That is, until Wilson begins cooking House a host of delicious morsels, which makes House...well, hungry. That's really the only thing it changes. Back in that alternate "hospital" locale you might expect to find on a medical procedural drama, Team House welcomes a new patient who came to the hospital courtesy of an opening-segment sex game in which he wasn't actually a rapist. A battle royale breaks out regarding what's making him so itchy: killer ants? Lupus? Heavy metal poisoning? A killer wife? Apparently, it's a killer wife. And in this episode's, like, G-story, House acts as the world's most ill-suited marriage counselor, diagnosing a husband with herpes, his wife with herpes, and their relationship with a raging case...of scandal!
"Due to some graphic content viewer discretion is advised." Translation: in this episode, Wilson and House totally become boyfriend-boyfriend.
A blonde woman steps out of a shower and puts on a black-and-white floral bathrobe from the Boca Beachwear Resort Collection. She putters around her bathroom for a second, and then sneezes twice with purpose. Death by sneezing! It's probably lupus, as it always probably is (and then never actually is) on this show. Gesundheit, mysterious robe lady, and bless your lupus as well. She collects herself and steps onto a scale which, after a moment, announces in a loud female digital voice, "Your weight is...113.9 pounds." Subtracting the all-important .9 ounces that is the weight of South Florida-inspired fashion mistakes, our heroine steps off the scale and makes her way toward the mirror, where she wipes a circle of mist off and...RAPE OR ROLE-PLAYING RAPE-TYPE SIMULATION! A man with a stocking over his head comes out of seeming nowhere and grabs the woman, putting his hand over her mouth and asking, "You gonna make me hurt you?" She shakes her head as dramatically as one would if she were being playfully assaulted by her masked rapist husband (spoiler!), and he drags her down the hall of a particularly well-appointed house. On their way, she drags her free hand across a mantel, sending numerous framed photos crashing to the floor. Because as everyone knows, the three key steps of the kinkiest sex acts always include 1) getting attacked by your own husband; 2) making sure to wear shoes on the upstairs landing; and 3) a visit to the glass repair shop. All I'm saying is that if you know it's only fake-rape, you can afford to be more careful and spare the frames.
But down the hall she goes, screaming all the way. In the bedroom now, the masked husband throws the robed woman down onto her bed. She fights him valiantly, finally freeing herself and throwing him to the side. Unsatisfied by her ability to escape him, she turns around to find him lying on the bed, gasping for air. She steps into the bedroom cautiously, asking, "Are you all right? Did I hurt you?" When he responds with the sound of puke-y choking, she runs back into the room screaming, "Bob!" Is he wearing a "Hello, your rapist's name is ______" sticker on his shirt? Or is it that...oh! She knows him! It's only a kinky sex game, wherein he pretends to be an evil, evil rapist, coming to have his way with her in an aggressive and illegal fashion. Does that really improve your love life? Should I have my significant other come into my apartment late at night and embezzle the change off my side table? Because, hot. Seeing that her husband cannot breathe or speak, blonde-y makes for the phone, dialing 911 and doing the requisite, "Page Doctor House!" thing to the emergency dispatcher on the other line. He can't breathe! He's turning blue! She's freaking out! We'll spend some time examining why she was so surprised and upset about her husband's untimely attack a little bit later in the episode. But for now...