House
Clueless

Episode Report Card
Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!
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AU, Stop Poisoning Me With Gold

House rounds a corner to find Mrs. Bob sitting alone in a hallway perfectly lit for muuuuuuuuuuurder. He introduces himself perfunctorily and asks if he can take a look in her purse. She asks why, and he levels, "Because I'm gonna need to search it and you for whatever you're using to poison your husband." Confident in her non-husband-killing desires, she hands over her purse, waits for House to find nothing, and asks, "Are you satisfied?" This question is rhetorical, so that's why the camera goes off.

"Absolutely not," Cuddy screams, and we find House in her office explaining that Mrs. Bob has let House search every part of her, but that her vagina is, for some reason, off-limits. Cameron -- oh, look, Cameron's here, too -- tells House that she's sure the woman isn't poisoning her husband, and he repeats that it's the only explanation. He tells Cameron that she has childlike notions about married people, and when she asks if he's calling her childish (he is), he barks, "Grow up." Cuddy is there with some quick-witted doctoral hijinks, yelling, "Shut up. Both of you. And stay away from his wife. Sorry. I'm not giving you permission to assault someone." ["But she's kind of a superfreak -- maybe she wouldn't even consider it assault!" -- Wing Chun]

Wilson watches House watch Foreman and Cameron push Bob in a wheelchair as Mrs. Bob walks closely behind. (Is Chase off at some, like, digeridoo concert or something? Come back, Dr. Hot! Paging!) Wilson sidles up next to House and surmises, "Let's see. I'm thinking Colonel Mustard, in the music room, with the candlestick." Let's all say it in unison with House, because I know I did: "There's no music room. It's the conservatory." And the correct answer, anyway, is that it's Mrs. Bob, with the heavy metals, in the hallway that still has all the untended-to glass on the floor. And speaking of people with increasingly messy houses, Wilson takes this moment to inform House, "My wife fired the maid. Apparently, she's getting rid of everything that reminds her of me." Perfect for as frou-frou a straight man as Wilson is that "not dirt" reminds his estranged wife of him. Sweet. House asks if Wilson "did" the maid, and he responds glumly that he was nice to the maid, which annoyed his wife. House guesses that maybe Wilson's wife "did" the maid, which causes Wilson to bark, "No one was doing her." Wilson is telling this to House because he promised to pay the maid until she found another job, and he is currently paying her to...clean House's apartment. And while I too would rather have someone surprise me with a maid rather than, say, having someone surprise me by taking a crap on the living-room carpet, I still would want someone to ask me. They always put things back in the wrong place. House agrees, observing, "You're supposed to be moving out. Not moving more people in." But just as the argument escalates once more, House watches as all hell once again breaks loose inside Bob's hospital room. He has no pulse. Clear! Now he has a pulse. Mrs. Bob begs Bob to talk to her, so, sad as this sequence is, it confirms that someone's name is actually Bob. Mrs. Bob fawns over him and cries, and Wilson observes, "Yes, she is quite the little actress." And just at the exact moment when he was in a vulnerable position and has something spontaneous and terrible happen to him just at the moment of the act break.

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House

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