House
Clueless

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Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!
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AU, Stop Poisoning Me With Gold

Wait, wait! Stop the interferon! House is on his cell phone, barking to Cameron that Mrs. Bob had a family history of arthritis, right? When Cameron confirms that this is so, he tells her to stop the current treatment and to do one more heavy metal test, this time for gold. Oh, and Cameron shouldn't let Mrs. Bob go to the bathroom.

House peels down the road on his motorcycle, pulling up to his house with great purpose. But when he enters, he opens up his normally disarrayed closet to find all of his personal effects hanging in perfect order. A small woman holding a dust rag rounds the corner and introduces herself as "Lady." House dispenses with the pleasantries, asking just what the hell she did to his closet. He tells her that he needs to find a wood box, asking her what she did with it. Because a maid isn't a maid in this country until being accused by the white man of stealing something. Not that I feel that way. I'm liberated. I saw Crash. Anyway, House accuses Lady againof moving his box, at which point she remembers, "Ah, you mean the chest? The one that's under the bed?" She cleans under the bed? Lady? Call me.

Back at the hospital, Cameron is trying to explain to Mrs. Bob that every bathroom in the hospital is broken, and Mrs. Bob calls her bluff by piledriving past her and going anyway. House runs up to the women's bathroom containing her, waiting for her to emerge from her stall. When she finally does, she's slightly incredulous to find the whole team waiting for her. At least Cameron is logging some equal-opportunity bathroom time, finally. House takes Mrs. Bob's hand, which she tells him (and us) is wet. Here's why: "The damage to your husband's lungs is permanent. Kidney damage is reversible, and with the right therapy he should regain neurological function. So other than the fact that he's not going to running any marathons, he should be fine." Mrs. Bob tries to celebrate what she perceives as good news. But wait! There's more: "I didn't have a problem with you going to the bathroom. I just didn't want you to wash your hands." One quick, cautionary tale about Egypt later, House tells Mrs. Bob that ancient Egyptians learned that mixing something called stanischloride with gold turns a surface bright purple. With which he pulls his hand away, and we note that Mrs. Bob's hands are bright purple. So unless she's actually made of gold, she's been poisoning her husband with vast, vast riches, an arthritis remedy extremely popular in Mexico. (And monkey's brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington, D.C.) She's busted. She tries to tell House that he's wrong, but...

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