House
Clueless

Episode Report Card
Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!
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AU, Stop Poisoning Me With Gold

Hospital. Cameron is mid-exam on Bob Not-Actually-A-Rapist-Stein, feeling his glands just like a real doctor and listening as he explains, "It was three days ago. My throat got really dry, and then my tongue felt like it was blowing up like a balloon." Cameron assumes that other doctors checked for food allergies, and Bob notes that two doctors already did. His wife, sitting behind Cameron and logging as much screen time as possible, jumps in to say that another doctor said it was a panic attack and that the one after that wanted to take his tonsils out. Seriously, can anyone be a doctor? You know what I think it is? Purple Diabungie. That's my differential diagnosis. Who cares that it's a disease that I just made up right now? Bob hops back in to report that the next and last doctor had no idea, and that's how they ended up getting referred to Dr. House. Cameron glances at Bob's chart and reminds us that the attack was preceded by "some strenuous physical activity." Bob stumbles over his words and looks at his wife, transitioning us to...

...House's office, where he comments, "Awesome." Yeah, it was okay. As naked rolling around goes, it had one too many women for my liking, but hey, I'm just the recapper here. "A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search." Oh, man, but that is a great line. We cut to a shot of House's hand, which holds a canned beverage the shape and color usually associated with those newfangled so-called "energy drinks" that profess to "give you wings" or keep you on your toes all day, but are really just unholy alliances of sugar and caffeine and chemicals that we'll look back on in fifty years the way we do with cigarettes and be like, "I can't believe those products used to be allowed to advertise on television. How did people NOT think they gave you cancer?" House cuts open the can in the middle and practically crams the whole thing in his mouth, provoking Cameron to ask him just what he thinks he's doing. He tells her that he's "testing a new caffeine delivery system," and Chase helps out the viewing audience who just got off the phone from their fifty American Idol votes and missed the opening segment of this show by recapping, "He didn't get his beauty sleep. Wilson's moved in and apparently has unusually loud toenails." Also, that's the explanation for the clicking. And seriously, dude, it can't wait until you have your own place? I can count the number of times in a year I cut my own toenails. And that number is not "On weeks when I'm shacking up at a friend's house."

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