House
Clueless

Episode Report Card
Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
AU, Stop Poisoning Me With Gold

The Amazing House-dini juggles everything! A stapler. A Magic-8 Ball. He's in his office hurling pretty much the cumulative contents of his desk up in the air and then catching them. Team House enters, Chase surmising, "I think you've had enough caffeine." The doctors debrief House that he was right (surprise!): it wasn't Bob's throat after all, but his lungs. Foreman reports that it's "definitely interstitial pulmonary fibrosis." Stop doing that! But they don't understand the cause. (I still don't understand the diagnosis.) Foreman adds that the man works as a wedding photographer, so it's unlikely that he's come into recent contact with coal dust or asbestos.Cameron notes, then, that the cause could be "idiopathic." House says that it can't be idiopathic, seeing as that means "without a known cause." Cameron tries to explain something, but House cuts her off with a curt "What you meant was you don't know what the cause is." Yeah! Stop using big words that fall outside the purview of my spell checker just because you know you're smarter than I am. House is done juggling. He catches all of his many tools in one hand, snagging a small basketball with his other hand, positioned at the small of his back. Impressive! I wonder if juggling is meant to stand as a metaphor for, saying, juggling something. I'm a smart and careful viewer. The cause for House's juggling is not idiopathic. They start to argue about what to do next, just as three sets of beepers go off...

...and the doctors go running back to Bob's room. They enter to find Mrs. Bob whining, "There's something wrong with his skin!" He is madly scratching at his chest; Cameron tries to pull his hands away so that she can get a better look. Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you, Cameron. It's disgusting. We finally get a closer look, and...ew, just as I said. We zap under the skin and see a cool-ass close-up of what I imagine are nerves, buzzing with electricity. And what I meant to say is that this is the scene in which a patient is in a vulnerable position and has something spontaneous and terrible happen to him just at the moment of the act break.

"Now we've got something to discuss," House says as he leads his staff on a limp-and-talk down the halls of the hospital. "What causes both lung scarring and the itchy splotchy red blotches?" Foreman asks where he's going, and House slams open the door to the men's room, announcing, "To complete the second half of the caffeine delivery system." Does anyone else think this episode is the tightest, most House-y episode of House in a good couple of weeks? I'm all in. The door to the men's room closes with all three doctors standing on the other side, House bellowing, "Either talk louder or get in here." Chase and Foreman do. Cameron clutches her pearls and waits outside. Foreman wastes a lot of valuable time suggesting that "lupus could cause lung scarring and a rash." But it's not lupus. Because every week it could be lupus and it never is. It's the subject of a drinking game with my friends at this point. Chase once again suggests a food allergy, and Foreman reminds us that we've ruled that out, but House wants Cameron to weigh in, shouting from his urinal, "We need an allergy expert in here!" She walks in, sniping, "This could wait two minutes." House says that she doesn't know that, immediately returning to business and recapping that Chase thinks food allergies should still be on the table. She notes that an allergy wouldn't explain the lung scarring, which prompts Chase to note that some homeopathic studies have found connections between food allergies and autoimmune diseases. That's true! Homeopathic medicine totally works. To which Cameron lobs back, "Yeah, and some homeopathic studies have also found that ground up spiders can cure cancer." That's...also true. Homeopathic medicine is as valid as the Yeti swimming through Loch Ness on a raft of St. John's Wort. Stop messing with my mind, Eastern healing! House thinks a second and recites, mantra-style, "Lungs, skin. Skin, lungs. Sklungs?" Which makes me remember that we're in the middle of the all-haiku episode of House. Can I do one?

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