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AU, Stop Poisoning Me With Gold

Wifey is no good
Her man should get out, right now
She still has no name.

"Lungs, skin, throat," House continues, looking down at the urinal. The camera pans down the front of it. Panning, panning, for the LOVE OF GOD stop panning down! There really are some things we never need to see. Luckily, the camera finds a subject of interest in some rust growing on the urinal, and House zips up, flushes, and announces, "Heavy metal toxicity." Weren't they one of the featured groups on Bands Reunited? I think the bass player wouldn't go to the reunion because he was afraid to leave his job as a professional welder. But House thinks it might be the cause of Bob's symptoms, and tells them that it would explain the lungs and the itching, which apparently nothing else has done. Foreman rattles off some of the causes of heavy metal poisoning (here are some of them: nobody cares), and notes that the patient's lifestyle couldn't be farther away from all of those causes. Cameron remembers that Bob and Mrs. Bob had worked a wedding in Cabo the month before, noting, "A lot of pottery in Mexico is contaminated with lead-based paint." House tells them to search the house, and to screen Bob's blood and hair for lead. And to test for mercury and arsenic. And to find out whether the resort they stayed at recently did any kind of repairs. Hold on. Let me get something to write with.

House's house, night. He walks in wearing his motorcycle jacket and holding his helmet, but soon hurls said jacket into a closet. He walks past Wilson, who sits on the couch eating what looks like bread crumbs out of a large cooked pepper. And usually I am hungry for everything, all the time. But I am not hungry for that. I'm with House, who says, "Good Lord. What's that smell?" When Wilson tells him that it's a stuffed pepper, House asks the somewhat obvious, "Stuffed with what? Vomit?" House asks what happened to the whole hotel arrangement, and Wilson too loudly announces, "I found an apartment. I can move in on Monday. That's fast enough for you?" House sits down on the couch and has a fight about food with Wilson, in which Wilson accuses House of eating nothing but peanut butter and canned soup. Add cheese to that list and I could do all the shopping for the both of us. Wilson makes House taste his pepper, asking, "It's good, isn't it?" House responds that it isn't, but that it is "better than it looks."

And while we're on the subject of food (I thought the scene was over and had already picked up the spoon that's sitting in a jar of peanut butter sitting right next to me and, no, I'm not kidding), House turns things procedural again, asking Wilson, "How much beans and rice do you think you'd have to eat from a ceramic pot painted with lead-based paint to get enough lead into your system to damage your lungs?" Damn, it must have taken a lot of practice to get something even close to a casual delivery on that line. Seriously, Hugh Laurie is sure to sail through the inevitable line of dialogue when the patient is a woodchuck who chucks wood or a seller of sea shells by the seashore. Wilson's professional opinion is that he'd have to eat, like, a lot of beans and rice. Always appreciating the professional opinion, Dr. I Totally Could Have Told You That. Wilson flips on the TV, and we get a kick-ass shot of House's TiVo-like-DVR. Okay, seriously, you'll want to know: it's The O.C., two episodes of Sponge Bob, something called Monster Truck Jam, eight episodes of a program entitled New Yankee Workshop, the winky in joke that is House having recorded an episode of Blackadder, two more of The O.C., and a final Sponge Bob. House's TiVo? Meet screen grab. Screen grab? Meet my new desktop wallpaper. Because that shit is hilarious. Wilson asks why House would have a season pass for New Yankee Workshop -- because apparently House's yen for a show about who lives in a pineapple under the sea is fairly self-explanatory -- and House explains, "It's a complete moron working with power tools. How much more suspenseful can you get?" You mean besides THIS SCENE? House rips the remote from Wilson's hands, Wilson whining that he was watching something and House correcting him, "You were about to watch something. I'm watching something. See the difference?" And, truth be told, it is the man's television.

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