Two almost-adolescent boys walk up to a large house. The older and cooler of the pair claims that girls love it when you stick your tongue in their mouths. Ah, the Facts of Life, as interpreted by newly-hormonal youth. The younger and nerdier kid is confused and afraid of this new information, and also that his friend is now attempting to enter the house's grounds by climbing a wrought-iron fence. The dorky kid is reluctant to follow because he doesn't want to Get In Trouble, but his cooler friend tells him to knock it off as he grabs a key from under the welcome mat and lets himself in the house. Inside the house, French Kisser says that the house is being sold by Dave's realtor mother, and will serve as their "clubhouse" until then. He tells the dork to be cool, because they are about to hang out with some "very serious dudes." I'm starting to think French Kisser is actually dorkier than his dorky friend.
Up in the attic, French Kisser and the Dork, now introduced to us as Gabe, enter an attic where some very serious dudes smoke cigarettes, drink beer, and...play Ouija. One of these things is not like the other. Ouija was bad-ass when you were eight, maybe. Lamest cool kids club ever. The kids ask Parker Brothers who they'll marry when they grow up. Oh, wait -- that's how little girls play Ouija. These tough guys ask if any of them will die in the year to come. It immediately points to "yes," because they're moving it. Gabe gets freaked out, but the game must continue. They ask which of them will die, and of course, Gabe's name is spelled out. "That blows," they tell him.
Cut to Gabe in bed, coughing and fever-stricken. Mom says she's taking him to the hospital, since he's had this fever for almost a week. How about taking the poor kid to the doctor after he's had the fever for two days, like good mothers do? Plus, she just leaves the room and makes poor Gabe get out of bed himself, which he can't do without collapsing on the floor. "I'm dying!" he says. If this were a Chick Tract, the show would be over, lesson learned. Since it's House, we'll continue onto the opening credits.
As almost every episode of this show begins, someone -- this week, it's Cuddy -- tells House about an interesting new case, and House instadiagnoses it as something benign and harmless -- this week, it's pneumonia -- and pretends to not be interested in the case at all, only to take it on. House is wrong about the pneumonia, although his guess that the patient's parents are huge hospital donors is right on. And we get an amusing little sequence of House looking all over his office for something, which, of course, turns out to be a solitary Vicodin pill hidden behind a flask. "There you are! Were you scared? It's okay -- you're home now," House tells the pill before he swallows it. Drug addiction was never cuter. Cuddy decides she's not getting anywhere and turns to leave, but House calls her back. He says he'll take the case as a "special favor" to her. Cuddy ain't buying it. She knows that House is interested in the case because of the possibility that the rash on Gabe's arm could be connected to the pneumonia.