House
Cursed

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Right And Wrong

Differential Diagnosis time! What kind of pneumonia comes with a rash on the arm? Chase says Legionnaire's Disease, which Cameron doesn't think is very likely in a twelve-year-old boy. She thinks it's something "fungal." More like UNfungal! Thank you, I'll be here all night. Foreman goes for the Chlamydia guess, which Cameron the Innocent dismisses on the assumption that twelve-year-olds don't have sex. Chase wonders if the rash caused the pneumonia instead of the other way around. A tick bite would explain why there's only the one rash, and it's the right time of the year for them. Maybe it's Lyme Disease. House orders some drugs and a biopsy on the rash, and tells the Cottages to get another patient history so that House can find out what kind of twelve-year-old is getting more action than he is.

The Cottages attempt to take a culture of poor Gabe's rash fluid while his Divorced Parents bicker about whose fault all of this is. Chase asks Gabe if he's been camping or played sports recently, and Gabe says he's not that good at sports. I think we can eliminate the STD from our list of possible diseases, then. Chase asks about sex anyway, and Dad gets all angry that they would even ask his kid such a question, like that's even important when your kid is dying. Chase says they'll need another CT scan, and Cameron is all too happy to gives Dad directions to the room until Chase interrupts to say that only medical personnel are allowed up there. Cameron is too dense to play along, so she makes a series of confused expressions.

Chase wheels Gabe to a quiet area of the hospital where they can talk about stuff away from his asshole Dad. Gabe says his dad used to be an Air Force test pilot and therefore is the coolest guy in the world, even if he is a demanding jerk. Chase asks Gabe about sex again, and Gabe's answer is that he only wishes he were sexually active. Chase gets some candy from a vending machine and tells Gabe not to worry: in a few years, all the girls will realize how hot smart guys are. Well, when they look like Chase, I'm sure. When you're the boy from Spy Kids, maybe not so much. ["Or the girl, frankly." -- Wing Chun] Chase hands Gabe some candy, easily earning him the kid's trust enough for Gabe to tell him about the Ouija board thing and how he is CURSED. Chase says there's a guy upstairs who's also named Gabe, and who is really old and really sick, so maybe his is the death the Ouija board predicted. Meanwhile, the family of old, sick Gabe, who took short vending machine break from their round-the-clock vigil, turn around and head for Cuddy's office to file a complaint. But first, they'll just put in a quick call to the Coffin Superstore and take advantage of their Early Bird special, which allows family members to afford a coffin that won't catch any worms (if you buy the afterlifetime warrantee at an additional cost).

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