Damned If You Do

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B+ | Grade It Now!
Lord, Have Mercy!

In a hallway, House limps into Wilsensei. Wilsensei speculates that Elizabeth Mitchell is allergic to God. Several cancer patients check out of the hospital for unrelated reasons.

House and the Martins limpeconference as House tells them they forgot to check inside Elizabeth Mitchell for an allergen, so he orders a full-body scan, like, I'm sure that couldn't have been taken care of at some point before Elizabeth Mitchell decided that death was better than this hospital.

Later, the Martins discover something on the scan. I'm no expert at deciphering religious imagery, but it seems like something divine may have been spotted in Elizabeth Mitchell's feminine parts. I doubt House will need any further convincing.

But actually, House informs us that it's a "copper cross," which is a form of birth control pulled from the market in the '80s. Apparently, when Elizabeth Mitchell had her abortion, the IUD got stuck somewhere and has remained undetected until now, and the copper is the allergen. One might wonder how Elizabeth Mitchell just plumb forgot about the piece of copper stuck up into her nether regions. Perhaps she took that whole "our lives begin when we take out vows" crap a little too seriously. Chase says that all they have to do is remove the IUD and the symptoms should disappear...

...and in the clean room, he's telling Elizabeth Mitchell just that. If Elizabeth Mitchell is uncomfortable discussing the foreign object that's been festering in her reproductive organs for over twenty years with the former seminary school student, she does a good job of hiding it. Chase adds that you can be exposed to an allergen for years and only have minimal symptoms, but one last exposure -- in this case washing the new copper cookware and subsequently eating food prepared in it -- can be enough to set off a full-blown reaction. Elizabeth Mitchell asks Chase if he'd like to hear her favorite Biblical passage. Chase nods his assent, and Elizabeth Mitchell recites, "Celebrate and be glad, because your brother was dead and is alive again," which Chase recognized as the parable of The Prodigal Son. That's pretty saccharine for a favorite passage, if you ask me, but it is a Christmas episode, so I shouldn't be surprised to be getting an anvil in my stocking. Elizabeth Mitchell tells Chase that God will be waiting for him when he's ready. He replies that they're scheduling her surgery for the next day. Sure, no rush.

At the clinic front desk, Wilsensei finds House, who starts grousing about circles of hell again. Wilsensei says that House must be fun at parties. House: "I think we both know the flaw in that theory." Do I get a bonus for multiple correct answers? House lets up know that the surgery was a success and that Elizabeth Mitchell's kidneys are recovering. He and Wilsensei argue about whether he screwed up, and I'm so glad that Wilsensei has all this time to recap House's episode for us. I mean, I know I'm doing it, but I'll tell you right now it doesn't leave me much time to cure cancer. Wilsensei invites House over for a holiday dinner and, when House predictably declines, says he'll come to House's. House looks perplexed, possibly because he knows his typical rude retort will be ineffective against someone who lacks manners to such a degree that he'll just invite himself over on a holiday. Unless these two are going out, which, as I indicated before, wouldn't surprise me. House asks if Wilsensei's wife won't mind being alone on Christmas. Wilsensei: "I'm a doctor. She's used to being alone." If that's your attitude, Wilsensei, you might want to get some practice in that department yourself. At House's stare, Wilsensei says he doesn't want to talk about it ["and not that she might not care since at least one and possibly both members of the couple are Jewish" -- Wing Chun], and House agrees that would be best. Cuddy enters and smilingly congratulates House on his work with Elizabeth Mitchell. She wishes the doctors a merry Christmas, and walks off. Aw. It's nice that the malpractice attorneys let her say that.

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