Damned If You Do

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B+ | Grade It Now!
Lord, Have Mercy!

...and outside, Wilson notes that House was still done by 12. House: "How do you solve a problem like dermatitis?" By almost killing the patient, just like with every other problem on this show. Oh, sorry -- was I supposed to sing that? Sister Eucharist emerges from the room and thanks House for his patience, which seems a lot like thanking Russell Crowe for his even temper or thanking Gilbert Gottfried for never giving anyone a headache. Wilson asks House if she's talking to him. House, with a shifty side-eye: "I don't know! She's certainly looking at me!" Hee. The sister clarifies that it's good to get a secular diagnosis, since many of the other sisters interpret their illnesses as divine intervention. House notes that if she doesn't, she's wearing a funny hat. She gives him a "you so bad" look, and Wilson excuses himself. Before they can banter much more, though, The Nun Who Cried Stigmata rushes out and tells House that something's wrong. I'm telling you, MedicAlert should set up a deal with House's patients. Everyone would be a winner.

Back in the examining room, Elizabeth Mitchell is wheezing like Keith Richards running an obstacle course. Which would be kind of awesome to see. House listens through his stethoscope and informs her that she's having an asthma attack; he tells her to calm down. Easier said than done when Dr. Painkiller is about to administer his second treatment of the teaser. House gives her an epinephrine injection, and we get a CGI look at the drug traveling through her bloodstream, as well as a couple of shots of different organs. Given the screechy accompanying sound effects, said shots were probably meant to make scare me, but all they're doing is making me hungry. What can I say? Computer-generated guts look delicious. House asks if Elizabeth Mitchell took the pill and, on hearing an affirmative, says she must be allergic to the medication. He says he'll give her steroids instead. Elizabeth Mitchell asks if her heart should be feeling so funny. House explains that epinephrine is adrenaline, so her heart should be going faster. When he takes her pulse, though, he says, "Not this fast." Thanks, House, but the heartbeat of the scared rabbit on the soundtrack kind of clued us in. House asks The Nun Who Cried Stigmata to get a nurse, and she exits and calls for help. House lies Elizabeth Mitchell down as a nurse enters. House tells her to charge up a defibrillator, since Elizabeth Mitchell has no pulse. And if we didn't already think House was an iconoclast, here he is touching a nun's boobs. CPR, shmee-PR.

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