Damned If You Do

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B+ | Grade It Now!
Lord, Have Mercy!

Fade up on Chase giving Elizabeth Mitchell some pills to help her kidneys -- with WATER, thank God. Chase takes her pulse, which is 104. Yikes. Elizabeth Mitchell asks if that's good, like, I know you don't watch TV, but surely you've had a physical at some point? Chase lies that it's fine, and she's not too out of it to pick up on his insincerity. Chase gets a page to call his mother, and he leaves...

...and confronts House, saying that his mother's been dead for ten years. So you'll be visiting the chapel, then. House asks what Elizabeth Mitchell is LYING about. Chase asks why he says that. House: "I always say that." Not to use an expression that's going to make Bloody Bowels wistful with longing, but no shit. He explains that Deadly Sinner Sister Eucharist thinks that Elizabeth Mitchell LIES, and asks Chase for his nun expertise. Chase plays dumb, but House tells him that he thinks good boys have the fear of God put into them, so they'll do what their dads tell them: "Like, for example, going into medical school when it's the last thing they want to do." Perhaps House should give up on the infectious diseases and go into psychiatry. He seems to get to the heart of the problem a lot more quickly. Chase tells House that if the sister is hiding something, her boss would know. Not sure I want to know why he thinks that, and the look on House's face kind of agrees with me.

Monastery. House quizzes said boss on whether Elizabeth Mitchell could have been exposed to any new substances, including drugs. The sister says no, and asks House why he hasn't asked Elizabeth Mitchell about this directly. House explains that people are LYING LIARS who LIE, and rats Eucharist out for telling on Elizabeth Mitchell. Boss Nun laughs that off, saying that becoming a nun doesn't make you a saint. I wonder if she'd be so forgiving if she knew that Eucharist got chocolate crumbs all over God's living room. House counters that becoming a doctor doesn't make you a healer. I know a lesbian couple that would probably agree. Boss Nun says that they have their share of drama around the monastery, and that Elizabeth Mitchell lived in Catholic foster care until she came to them. She offers House tea, and he accepts, but then asks Boss Nun if all of them LIE. Geez, so she picked up the coffee pot by mistake, House. Chill. House reveals that while massaging Elizabeth Mitchell's tender, pious bosom in order to restart her heart, he noticed that she has a tattoo of a skunk on her shoulder. He doesn't mention the tattoo she has on her hip, because he was on shakier medical ground when he discovered that one. House says that unless it's the "sacred skunk of Joseph" (hee) he's willing to bet she didn't get it while on the nuns' watch. Boss Nun somewhat glibly says they consider their lives to start when they put on their habits and take their vows, but House points out that they can't erase their medical histories by that bit of convenient philosophy. Boss Nun reveals that Elizabeth Mitchell left Catholic foster care when she was twelve, and lived on the streets and got into drugs. She got pregnant at fifteen, tried to self-abort, lost the baby, and took ill and returned to the monastery: "If we had thought it was medically relevant, we would have told you." Um, nice try, Sister. Leaving out those years of her medical history is like giving a overwiew of twentieth-century Europe without including anything starting in "World War." Surprisingly, though, House agrees that it's not medically relevant, but that could just be because it's time to take a sip of the delicious tea Boss Nun has poured for him. He gets a look on his face and asks, "Local herbs?" Is he asking her to smoke him out?

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