Season Five kicks off with a patient suffering from hallucinations, a low heart rate, and the misfortune of being a woman with a demanding but incredibly accomplished boss, causing her to become Hadley's pet project. While Hadley tries to convince the patient to reach for the stars, live life to the fullest, and be her own boss, she and the Cottages struggle to figure out what's wrong with her as she gets worse and new symptoms appear.
House, meanwhile, is far more concerned with Wilson's sudden resignation from PPTH. He focuses on his patient for long enough to find a fetus in her intestinal wall before going on strike and refusing to work on the case until Wilson takes back his resignation. Unfortunately, the patient's symptoms persist even after the fetus is removed. Cuddy tries to make things okay between them and fails. Hadley also fails, again and again, as she is so determined to diagnose the patient and prove that she can do this All By Herself before she dies from Huntington's that she gets every diagnosis wrong and almost kills the patient by putting her on chemo and almost destroying her immune system when the real diagnosis is some awesome form of leprosy that gives you youthful skin. That diagnosis is made by House, of course, who swoops in at the very last second and saves her even though he never got Wilson to bend to his will. He finally musters up the strength to be vulnerable and sincerely (I think … ) apologize to Wilson about Amber's death, only to hear that Wilson doesn't blame him for what happened and he's not leaving PPTH because of it. No, the truth is much worse: Amber's death has made Wilson finally realize that House is a toxic presence in his life and he's leaving PPTH to get away from him. And then he does just that.
Welcome back to another season of House! I was so excited about the premiere that I stayed up ALL NIGHT writing this thing so it would be up for you to read the next day. DEDICATION! We begin with an ant being crushed by a newspaper, although I'm not too upset since it was just a computer generated ant and not a very good one at that. Two women make their way up an elevator and into an office, where a sneezing Marg Helgenberger-looking woman yells at a meeting room full of men for not having one woman working at the top of their company. One man says they've tried to promote women, but I guess the women working at this company just aren't very good at their jobs. Maybe they're like Marg's assistant, who can't be bothered to pay attention during the meeting because there are a couple of ants in the room. Oh, okay -- there are a lot of ants in the room. More specifically, on the assistant's body. That's sexual harassment, ants. Marg is gonna kick your ass for this! The assistant starts freaking out and ripping her clothes off, which is humorous since her boss just got done telling the men in the office not to treat women like sex objects. Now they're all too busy wondering if this is some kind of test to call 911.
Still no new credits? This is getting a little silly. Is it because someone lost the textbook with all the cool medical illustrations in it? Because they can just stick some shots of Princeton in there instead, like they did for Jennifer Morrison's credit. The lack of new credits gives me false hope that the real Cottages will go back to House and Cameron's hair will turn brown and everything will be right with the world again.
House has recovered from his bus crash injuries and is hanging out with the Coma Guy (nice to see him back in inaction), playing a videogame that he stole from the pediatric ward. That's right, folks: House steals from sick kids. He probably took a dump in the Make-A-Wish donation box on his way out as well. Cuddy comes in to tell him that Wilson is back at work after a two-month absence. Not to downplay Wilson's personal pain or anything, but two months is a hell of a long time to get off of work due to the death of a girlfriend. I'm guessing whoever wrote PPTH's leave policy couldn't be bothered to break down the types of leave and length and just gave everything a uniform two months, since that's how much time House got after he was shot twice at work. When House doesn't immediately jump up to greet Wilson, Cuddy pulls a my-mother-when-dinner-was-ready and unplugs the TV, thereby ending House's game. House refers to CTB's death in his usual flippant and insensitive manner, which, after four seasons, still shocks Cuddy. He says Wilson asked him for time alone, and he's happy to oblige. He doesn't sound too happy about it, though. Meanwhile, it appears that a new name has been added to the never-ending list of producers, and this addition couldn't be more deserving: Sara Hess!