House
Euphoria, Part II

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Black Matter, White Matter

Anyway, Wilson is not happy to hear what the future holds for Steve, which is getting sick, hit over the head by a "cane-shaped object," and then, finally, autopsied. The only problem now with House's plan is how to tell if a rat is euphoric or not.

House is still watching his webcam feed while he tends to a Clinic patient. A mother has brought in her preschool-age daughter, complaining that when her daughter's in her car seat, she has a tendency to "rock" and "grunt." And her abs become "dystonic." "Someone's been on the interweb," House says. I love it when people call the internet the "interweb." I don't love it, though, when House's face goes flying off of the frame, as he tells the mother the news, because the camera is too close to its subject to show all of the action. And this isn't the first time this has happened in these last two episodes. A quick check reveals that both this episode and the last one were directed by Deran Sarafian, who used the same "crappy framing job disguised as artistic choice" directing technique when he directed another episode of this show. Hey Deran: BACK. OFF. Anyway, the woman has diagnosed her daughter with epilepsy and has even gone so far as to check out some local epilepsy soccer leagues. House tries to confirm the diagnosis by provoking a seizure; he turns the lights down, grabs a flashlight, and waves it in front of the girl's face while making silly sounds. All it gets from the girl is a "You're a goof!" "Takes one to know one, loser!" House responds, rather cruelly. I guess it's never too early to start chipping away at people's self-esteem on Planet House.

House comes up with a diagnosis for the girl: based on her sweatiness and happy feelings after her rocking and grunting episodes, House thinks the girl has a case of "saying 'yoo-hoo' to the hoo-hoo." Oh, I hate how they have to use euphemisms for things in the eight o'clock time slot. Mom doesn't understand, so House clarifies by playing around with some recent movie titles: "Marching the Penguin, Ya-Yaing the Sisterhood, and Finding Nemo." It sounds to me as though this will work for almost any movie title. Is Uniting the 93 too soon? How about Squiding the Whale? Sinning the City? Presenting the Mrs. Henderson? And of course: Brokebacking the Mountain. Okay, I'm done. Mom finally gets what House is saying when he says her little girl has Gratification Disorder. She covers her daughter's ears, and clarifies with House whether he's saying that her daughter is masturbating. "I'm trying to be discreet. There's a child in the room!" House says, talking out of the side of his mouth for extra-discreetness. "Oh, this is horrifying!" Mom says. Boy, I hope she doesn't have any sons. House points out that it's a lot better than having epilepsy, even though there aren't any soccer leagues for girls who like to Akeelah the Bee. With that, House and the girl exchange a high-five. Don't touch her, House! You know where that hand has been.

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House

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