The patient of the week is a heroin addict who might have an ulcer or Lou Gehrig's Disease, but really inhaled a branch. He gets very little attention, because (as even House admits) nobody cares about the medical details. More attention is given to House trying to get out of going to jail for flushing those season tickets down the drain, but no one will help him.
But the real drama comes from House, alone in a burning building with a corpse, talking to figments of his imagination that include Kutner, CTB, and Stacy. We never learn just how the building caught on fire, but it probably has something to do with House being out of his mind on heroin. Anyway, he burns to death and there are some very touching eulogies.
And then he's not really dead, so he and Wilson go and ride motorcycles for a few months until Wilson presumably dies. The end!
"We start the final episode on House's face, passed out on the floor." I know that's how it starts because they read it out in the wrap-up show just before the finale. Hey, if they're going to describe the episode, I'm entitled to transcribe their description and call it a recap.
Anyway, that's how it starts. He opens his eyes and looks around. He's in a dingy room of some sort. A few feet away from him, someone else is lying on his back. And a third person tells House that the man is dead. House recognizes him as Dr. Lawrence Kutner, whom you may remember killed himself. House says, "You're dead, too." Kutner answers, "The fire isn't." Oh, there's a fire below the floorboards.
After the credits, Kutner suggests that House get up and go for the exit. House figures he's hallucinating anyway, so who knows what's really going on? He would like to figure out why he's hallucinating Kutner instead of someone "more busty." Kutner asks who the dead guy is. And we transition to an unknown period of time earlier.
Mystery Corpse is in House's clinic hours, saying he was in a car accident and needs painkillers. He has a facial injury, but House guesses he didn't have a chest injury. And the fact that he claimed to have a codeine allergy means that he was after extremely heavy drugs. House is about to send him on his way when he spots bruising around his navel.
Outer office. Remember, Chase isn't here anymore. Adams and Park are baffled at the idea of House taking a new case voluntarily. Taub thinks the really weird thing is that House is in a good mood even though Wilson's dying and the parole officer is coming soon. Then everybody starts throwing around diagnoses, but they're literally just saying "blah blah blah."
Cut back to House and Kutner. House, who's telling this story, says no one cares about the medicine. It was an ulcer. Kutner asks why House didn't tell the team his plan. His theory is that he knew the plan wouldn't work.
House wants a meeting with Foreman. Foreman's busy trying to make an end table stop wobbling. House wants Foreman to tell the parole board that House is needed at the hospital so he can save eight patients simultaneously. He encourages Foreman to dock his pay or something. Foreman wants him to go to jail for six months. House asks Foreman to be a friend. Foreman says, "Okay. But whatever cases you have, you have to take them all." House stares.
Now Kutner is in PPTH. What's going on here? I accept that Kutner is a hallucination and that House was telling this story to him, but now the hallucination is inside the story, and it's all getting confusing. I think they just didn't want to keep going back to that dingy room. Anyway, this Kutner is the same one as the one in the dingy room, which means that it's a hallucination that House is talking to. Kutner lightly mocks House for that "Be a friend" routine. Why did he say that? Kutner guesses that he knew he'd need a friend. And he's still wondering why House is sitting on the floor instead of heading for the door.