House
Fall from Grace

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Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
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Can't Win 'Em All

Hey, Fox? It turns out that when you tell me that I'll be "stunned" by the truth about House's latest patient, I will be expecting something to happen and therefore, not be stunned. Just something to keep in mind.

It's one small step for man, one giant reason not to launch a massive model rocket too close to the woods, as a boy's rocket launch goes swimmingly until it hits a tree on its descent to Earth. The boy and his friend run to retrieve it, only to find that it lit the forest floor on fire. The boy's friend videotapes the action as the boy removes his jacket and cleverly uses it to smother the fire, which is much more than I would have done at that age. I probably would have just run away and hoped no one ever found out it was me who set the woods on fire. Hell, I'd probably do that now. The paparazzi-in-training films more of the fire action, only to stumble upon a bearded man lying on the ground. With his arm on fire. The boys wonder if the guy is dead until he suddenly wakes up and starts screaming. The boy quickly puts the fire out, and the man comments that his burnt arm smells like licorice before he collapses. I wonder if he meant red or black licorice?

The Cottages await their boss's arrival. Martha comments that after jumping off a hotel balcony, there's no telling what House will do next. Chase has an idea: "ride some kind of prostitute chariot to work?" he guesses, watching as House and a young lady speed down the hallway on a Segway. The prostitute dismounts to open the door into the office for House, who offers the Cottages a chance to "ride her" if they give him an interesting case. He means the scooter, of course. Martha doesn't want to ride the scooter or the prostitute, but she does love to win, so she tells House about a 23-year-old homeless man with burn injuries and a strange sense of smell. House deems this to be cool, with many interesting possibilities. But he never allows Martha to ride his Segway, so he is a dirty liar. Instead, he sends Chase and Taub to the woods to check out where the homeless man was staying and the others to shoot him full of prednisone and see if his sense of smell goes back to normal. If it doesn't, they'll know he has a neurological problem and proceed from there. House adds that they might also want to find out the patient's real name, as he's guessing that Ferris Bueller, which he put down on his admitting forms, isn't it. "Why?" Martha asks. Everyone takes a second to feel old and/or marvel at Martha's lack of knowledge of pop culture. I wasn't nearly old enough to see that movie when it came out in theaters, but I've still heard the name "Ferris Bueller." I mean, come on. Even the prostitute knows who Ferris Bueller is, and she's from Russia. And not a prostitute, sort of. Dominica needs a green card, so she's going to marry House in a few days to get one. Fantastic.

Foreman and Martha arrive in Ferris's room to find him scarfing down the hospital food. He tells Martha that his weird sense of smell began a few months ago, and Foreman that he has no intention of telling them his real name. He also has no intention of paying for the services PPTH is providing him, but they're going to keep on providing them because they apparently want to run out of money. Foreman says they need his real name to get his medical records, not to try to get money out of him he clearly doesn't have, and Ferris says there's no need for that -- he's always been healthy and has no medical history. Foreman notices that Ferris doesn't have the body of someone who has always been healthy, what with all the scars and burns on his chest and back, but those have clearly been done by a person and not an illness. Martha makes a sad face to cue the Sad Piano as Ferris says his dad abused him. Martha is sorry. Ferris says he isn't sorry, because that's all in the past.

House Segways through a swinging door, nearly taking either a co-worker or a PPTH visitor out in the process. He comes to a stop at the feet of Cuddy, who says he's not allowed to ride a Segway in the hospital. House ignores her and hands her a pink envelope that contains an invitation to a "thing" he's having on Friday. With that, he smacks a handicap placard on the Segway and starts quoting New Jersey handicap ordinances, but there's no need for that, as Cuddy whips out a paper with all of them on it and says they allow for wheelchairs and scooters -- not Segways. House says his leg hurts a lot, but he'll get off the Segway and take it away if he must. He mustn't -- Cuddy says she'll make an "exception" to PPTH's no Segway rule because of his leg as long as he checks with her about stuff like this in the future. Yeah, I'm sure he will. Cuddy is an idiot.

Dominica is giving House a massage when Wilson walks in to interrupt. "Must be The Wilson!" Dominica says; "nice to be meeting you." House sends her away so he can speak to Wilson alone. She pats Wilson on the shoulder on her way out, and he giggles like a teenage boy. Get a grip, Wilson. He assumes that House is pretending to get married to upset Cuddy, but House says he isn't; he's actually planning on marrying Dominica. She needs a green card, and he needs a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, masseuse, and whore. Dominica will do all of that for him four days a week, saving him about $33,000 a year, if his calculations are correct. And they must be, because he made a pie chart with them. If Dominica reneges on the deal, then House will be protected by an ironclad pre-nup. I wonder who drafted that? Maybe he asked Stacy Frozenface so he could upset two ex-girlfriends with one Russian stone.

Martha and Foreman return to Ferris's room to find him clean-shaven and looking much less homeless. And yes, much more like Adam from Joan of Arcadia, a show I never watched so I can't get all excited to see two of its former stars reunited here. But I'm sure it's awesome for those of you who did watch! Foreman and Martha whip out a bunch of vials and have Ferris sniff them and tell them what they smell like. Ferris doesn't like the first one, saying it smells like rotten meat. Foreman says it's baby powder. So he's a little off. Ferris finds the next vial much nicer, saying it smells like peppermint. Foreman says it's "extremely bad body odor." Okay, who did they have to ask to donate that smell to the vial? Ferris says this isn't so bad for him, considering how many more bad smells he encounters in his particular lifestyle than good ones.

Taub and Chase suddenly appear with Ferris's bag of stuff they found while searching the park. Inside, they found a metal case full of syringes that they assume are for drugs. Ferris says they're actually "vitamin supplements" he was taking in the hopes of boosting his immune system. And he couldn't just grab a bottle of vitamins off a store shelf and make a run for it? Where would he even get injectable vitamins? Of course, no one believes him, but he's willing to submit to a drug test to prove it. Taub says they also found a bunch of books in Ferris's backpack, and all of them have the name "Danny Jennings" written inside. Danny decides he'd like to leave PPTH now, but doesn't even get out of bed before he's stricken with stomach pain and blood coming out of his ass. Ahhh, it's been a while since we've had a good ass bleed on this show, hasn't it?

The Cottages return to the meeting room, where Foreman takes Dominica up on her offer of a foot massage and Martha is very disapproving of the whole thing. Not so much that she won't discuss privileged patient information in front of Dominica, though, as she says the drug tests on Danny were clean, so he was telling the truth about shooting up with vitamins after all. Not so fast, House says, removing and eating the cucumber slices over his eyes; he had Danny's hair tested for drugs because he knew there was no way that Danny could be homeless, 23, and not mentally ill without being a drug addict. Sure enough, the hair showed heroin use in the last five months. Foreman thanks Dominica for the foot massage, smiling more at her th

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