Family Practice

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
Murphy Down
out of medical school and her career will be destroyed. Martha says she's willing to take the risk and hope that no one will believe any of House's lies about her. House says he's on a truth-telling kick himself, so all he'll say about Martha is the truth -- she drew blood on the coma patient even though his file had a form in it that expressly forbid anyone from treating him without permission from his family. Therefore, what Martha did was both unethical and criminal. Oops! "You told me ... " Martha says. House says he didn't, actually, since he made it a point not to say a word the entire time. "You set me up? Why?" Martha asks. Duh, Martha. "This patient is the highest priority," he says.

Martha finds a bathroom and pukes.

Taub is also in a bathroom, although he is merely peeing. Oh, wait, no -- now he's having his face smashed into some plumbing by Jamie, who finally managed to track him down. While Taub bleeds and groans on the floor, Jamie says Timothy's mother backed out of the settlement and reported him to the bar. Taub is fired and can look forward to being sued for anything and everything Jamie can think of. And Mrs. Taub wants nothing to do with him. Jamie leaves Taub to go back to his anger management therapy.

Martha walks into Murphy's room and asks to speak to Kaufman and Murphy alone. "Oh shit," Cuddy's face says. Cut to House and Cuddy being reamed out by Kaufman in front of Murphy and Martha. He threatens to report House to everyone for everything, then says Cuddy is actually worse because she knows House is "an insane lunatic" and lets him do this stuff anyway. True. Murphy speaks up to fire everyone, including Kaufman, and demand to be taken to another hospital where shit like this doesn't happen. She should have done that an hour ago.

In the darkness of her office, Cuddy sobs to House. "What just happened?" she asks. I think she meant that rhetorically, but House decides to answer her anyway with "you just killed her." Shocked, Cuddy says if they want to point fingers, this is actually House's fault because he pissed Murphy off in the first place and was kicked off her case. The case that, you know, Cuddy forced him to take. House says he never should have agreed to secretly treat Murphy, and that she's only leaving PPTH because Cuddy is letting her. Cuddy denies that her mother has control over her, saying she's been rebelling against her mother for her entire life. Really? Because I'm pretty sure the time to rebel against your mother begins at, say, 12 and ends somewhere around 22. After that, you're supposed to get over it and be an adult already. House says it doesn't seem that way to him, since Cuddy complains to him when Murphy insults her instead of confronting her mother about it and does everything behind her mother's back. "You never confront her. And it pisses me off!" he says. "Are you taking this personally?" Cuddy gasps. Well, why wouldn't he, Cuddy? You're the one who dragged him into this by taking advantage of your personal connection with him. He says if Murphy leaves PPTH, she'll die. And if she dies, then sooner or later, Cuddy will blame House for it and their relationship will be over. "Get me my patient back," he orders.

Cuddy's not going to stand up to House, so instead she goes running outside in the dramatic rain and opens the door to her mother's ambulance. Cuddy's sister is in there, and she starts to protest Cuddy's shenanigans, but Cuddy is clearly having none of it. So Cuddy's sister just runs out of there and leaves Murphy to her lesser-liked, soaking wet daughter. Cuddy doesn't exactly tell Murphy off though, instead saying she knows her mother was tougher on her because she saw something in Cuddy that she didn't see in her sister or herself. "A type of ambition. A type of brains," she says. Wow, way to make this into a Cuddy Flattery Minute, Cuddy. But I guess if you want to make peace with your mother's abusive criticism by saying it's because she knew how awesome you were, why not?

She claims that her mother made her into the overachiever she is today and is clearly proud of what she does for a living, even though she never, ever says it. In fact, Candice Bergen, much as I love her, doesn't seem to be able to pull off infusing this role with the tiny bit of maternal warmth it needs so that when she calls her daughter an Italian whore, it doesn't seem so cold and hateful. Cuddy says her mother comes to Cuddy for her medical care because, in the end, she trusts her judgment. Possibly also because the Clinic is free. And Cuddy's judgment is that if Murphy leaves PPTH, she'll be treated well and die. If she stays at PPTH with House as her doctor, he'll treat her like shit but she'll live. And just in case Murphy still chooses the other hospital option, Cuddy would like her to know that she will slash the tire of every ambulance in the bay to keep her here. Once again, any of PPTH's patients who might need an ambulance can go fuck themselves because Cuddy's mother comes first. That makes her a decent enough daughter and a terrible hospital administrator and doctor. She's not much of a girlfriend, either.

Murphy is back in her PPTH room and House is back as her doctor. He's about to hang an IV of the anti-fungal poison medicine when Murphy, whose condition has deteriorated quite a bit in the last three seconds, asks him why, if he's such a great doctor, doesn't he run his own department anymore? House says he does, and he only said he didn't earlier because he was being sarcastic. Murphy says he wasn't, which stops House for a moment. Then, he very sarcastically tells Murphy about his love of A-Rod, his modesty, and his interior decorating skills. "Do I like A-Rod?" he then asks Murphy. She says he does. Apparently, the inability to recognize sarcasm is more than just a lack of a sense of humor -- it's a symptom! And it started before the fever, which means House was wrong about endocarditis. At this, Murphy decides to pass out as her heart rate shoots up, and Cuddy frantically calls for a nurse and looks for the crash cart, although she's not having much luck since it's across the room and the lights are off again, so it's probably going to take a few minutes of blind stumbling to find it.

While Cuddy and the nurse fuss over Murphy, House gets his Epiphany Face on and announces the real diagnosis: heavy metal poisoning. The chelation therapy they did earlier when they thought she had lead poisoning actually made her better for a while, but as soon as she was off of it her symptoms returned because she was -- and is -- still being poisoned. But by what? House grabs a scalpel and slices into Murphy's hip to reveal black muscle. I'm not sure if it's actually black or if that's the lack of lightning, though. Cuddy asks if it's necrosis. House says it's not, but metallosis from Murphy's hip replacement, which has deteriorated over the years and was leaking cobalt into Murphy's body, making her sick. All they have to do is replace the hip and she'll be fine.

Taub, who did nothing to help Murphy this week, sits in his hotel room sulking about his busted nose and shitty life. His wife walks in, apparently being in possession of a key to the room somehow. Taub says he thought she didn't want to see him again. She says she didn't until Foreman called her and explained what really happened, and how Taub wasn't trying to get back at her through her brother, but simply trying to save a kid's life. What's up with Foreman being Taub's guardian angel this week, by the way? First helping him move, now this. Maybe the less camera time he gets, the more selfless and likable he becomes? "I will kill my brother if he messes with you again," she says. "What do you care?" mopes the guy who cheated on her repeatedly and suggested the divorce in the first place. "You were a crappy husband, but you are a good person," Mrs. Taub believes, despite all evidence to the contrary. She gives him a friendly side-hug.

Martha cleans out her locker, which is probably a daily ritual at this point. House finds her and says she is no longer fired. Again.

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