A successful celebrity photographer strokes out in the middle of a session and is brought to PPTH, where Cuddy insists on waiting on her hand and foot. Part of the reason for that is because the patient is all famous and important, but most of it, House figures out, is because she's also pregnant with a late-in-life baby. (Or "fetus," as House insists on calling it. Unfortunately for this fetus, House totally HATES fetuses, as we'll soon see.) Everyone reassures her that the baby (fetus) is fine, which we all know means it really, really isn't. Sure enough, the mother's health problems are just her body's reaction to her baby's (fetus's) health problems. Unfortunately, the baby (fetus) is too small for them to tell what's wrong with it, so House decides that the only way to save her life is to kill the baby (fetus). Of course, Mom refuses to allow him to do this, and Cuddy involves herself in the case with that single-minded determination she only shows when she has some sort of personal connection to the patient. She boots House off the case, leaving him free to go on one of the exotic vacations he keeps talking about because he doesn't think he'll actually have to go on one, leaving Cuddy to awesomely become House herself, getting unsolicited advice from Wilson and having her crazy ideas crapped on by the Cottages while she makes the mom sicker in order to make her better. Ultimately, though, Cuddy isn't fit to hold House's giant tennis ball, and she brings House back, whereupon they figure out a way to save both the mother and the baby (fetus): an extremely risky exploratory surgery on the baby (fetus) while it's still inside (well, halfway, at least) the womb. And lo and behold, it works, although not without a few attempted murders (abortions). And it's all thanks to Cuddy! Hooray! She had to almost kill two people and threaten to kill a third one to do it, but she did it! Mother and baby survive and live happily ever after. It doesn't look like things will work out quite so well for Chase, who's one smitten kitten over Cameron.
"Fetal Position" could not be a more appropriate name for this episode, which I am recapping while in the fetal position myself, due to fun holiday weekend bout with food poisoning. It turns out that no matter how hungry you are, the burritos in the 7-11 refrigerator case SHOULD NEVER be consumed. Then again, this could have nothing to do with those burritos and might just be God punishing me for being Jewish on this Easter weekend. Either way, I had better be well enough to eat the post-Easter discounted Cadbury Creme Eggs.
After I am forced to spend another minte of my life watching the end of American Idol, we finally get to the show, where a pregnant woman is all business as she heads into a photo shoot with The Guy from All-American Rejects. We know he's the Guy from All-American Rejects because it says so on the canvas backdrop behind him. And though he's not the best enunciator, he's a pretty decent actor, so he gets a bunch of lines -- even more than Brandy did that one time. The photographer apologizes for being late, claiming morning sickness, and insists that the Guy from All-American Rejects feel her stomach. I thought pregnant women hated it when strangers felt their stomachs all the time. At least, that's what years of reading "Dear Ann" taught me. The Guy from All-American Rejects further works his way into my heart by telling the photographer, named Emma Notleibowitz, that he doesn't get what she's doing with the Norman Rockwell-esque classroom backdrop, but she invades his personal space and strokes his hair and placates him before starting the session. Guy from All-American Rejects mugs with his guitar while the rest of his band, wherever they are, lament the fact that their lead singer gets all the photo shoots and bit parts on hot TV shows. Emma takes all of three pictures before complaining that the words on the backdrop are "all jumbled." But even an illiterate musician knows that the words are totally legible. Emma starts to fret that something wrong with her, and remembers a mnemonic device for stroke symptoms: FACT. F is for face, half of which is all droopy. A is for Arms, which she holds out in front of her like she's doing the zombie walk. C is for See ya real soon! At this point, the Guy from All-American Rejects starts calling out for assistance, but no one really cares, even though their boss is now slurring her words and spinning around in circles. It isn't until she slurs out a request that they call 911 because she's having a stroke and collapses on the ground that anyone bothers to move. And then they just kind of huddle over her and look worried instead of calling 911.