House
Fools For Love

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
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Awkward

The conversation finally gets back on track, and the crew wonders what could cause Tracy's throat to swell and give her belly pain. Catching something from the coughing robber is thrown out because he is perfectly healthy except for the fractured skull Jeremy gave him and shall never be heard from again. Chase finds pot on Tracy's tox screen and says that the smoke could explain the throat swelling and salmonella from the weed would explain the stomach pain. No, no, no, Chase -- we've already done the bad weed episode. Foreman calls Chase's theory "a stretch," but since no one has any better ideas, House orders them to start treating Tracy for the salmonella they have absolutely no proof she has.

As for House, he has Clinic duty, much to my delight. David Morse is his latest patient, and he's not a happy chappy. Morse complains that he's been waiting two hours to see a doctor. Obviously, David Morse has never been to a free clinic before or he would know how lucky he is to only have to wait two hours. Of course, House doesn't care. He orders David Morse to drop trou, takes a quick look at his wang, and says that David Morse does not have an infection; the nicotine gum he's been chewing has dried things out a bit, causing some "wear and tear." House tells him to lube it up next time or try foreplay. David Morse insists on a test, but House says that he's already "used this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots" and downs a few pills. David Morse is different than House's usual Clinic patient, though, and doesn't simply accept House's diagnosis and simper off. "You're rude," he says. "Wow, you're like a detective or something!" House retorts. Oh, how right you are, House. But we won't know that until the end of the episode. For all we know now, David Morse might as well be a psychiatrist, as he launches into a psychoanalysis of House that would make Wilson proud. Basically, House is alone and bitter and tries to make everyone around him feel the same way, blah blah blah. When House moves to leave, David Morse kicks his cane out from under him. "You treat people like jerks, you get treated like a jerk," he says. House studies him, and then does the swab David Morse requested to test for infection. "Thank you," David Morse says, all proud of himself for getting his way. Not that I think he's being entirely out of line here -- when it comes to penises, men tend to be very cautious about them and demand the best care. Which doesn't explain why he's going to a Free Clinic and not, say, his actual doctor. But House isn't done yet -- "bend over," he orders. As long as he's testing for an infection, he'll need to take David's temperature, but he can't do it orally because the nicotine gum affects the results somehow. So he'll have to do it anally. Oh, fun.

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