And the Cottages are still hard at work. But not at their actual jobs. Chase has finally isolated the cancer proteins in House's CSF, so they can find out if he'll qualify for the Duke trial. He hands them off to Cameron, who manages to get them into some machine without dropping them or crying. Foreman closes it and starts it up. I'm glad all three of them had a hand in this process. Immediately, Cameron gets the results: House does not have the special protein. No Duke trial for him! Then either Cameron or Chase calls a slide up on the computer. Chase sees something on it "that shouldn't be there." All I see are yellow, black, and red splotches, so I'll have to trust him on that.
Back in the ICU (Impossible Choices U have to make for your brain-damaged son), Dad wakes Patrick up and asks him if he's happy. Patrick just repeats the question. Dad sobs. Amazing job in this scene by Kurtwood Smith. I mean, it's not as good as the acting tour de force that was Robocop, but it's damn close.
And then they're taking out half of Patrick's brain. Yikes. I don't know what I would have chosen if I were Patrick's dad. A hemispherectomy doesn't seem all that safe. Will the remaining half of Patrick's brain slosh around in his spacious skull now, or do they put some cotton in there? I guess there was no right answer there. But there's no wrong one, either. ["There actually is -- check it out!" -- Wing Chun] Dad waits just out the Operating Room doors (guess he couldn't get tickets for the balcony seats) and agonizes over his decision.
And House is awakened up by a persistent knocking on his door. Ha! See how it feels when you do that to people, House? He opens it to reveal three Cottages grinning maniacally. "You don't have cancer!" Foreman announces. Cameron explains that the tumor was actually a gumma, a growth you can get from syphilis. It's usually in the liver, but it can occur other places, too. "I'm really glad we never slept together," Cameron adds, her euphoria apparently removing her inhibitions. I'm not sure if that's because House is not about to die anymore, or because of the syphilis. Maybe both. House says that they tested for syphilis, and that it was negative. Chase says that they did some other, better, test, and got a positive. Everyone smiles -- even Foreman. Oh, except House. He asks them if they told Mass General about this. "Of course!" says Chase. I'm sure Mass General was thrilled to get a random phone call at 2 in the morning about House's syphilis. "You idiots!" says House. Foreman doesn't understand why House isn't happy about not having brain cancer: "You should be making out with Cameron!" No, he shouldn't, Foreman. Stop that. I love Chase's slightly jealous reaction, though. House tells them that the file wasn't his after all. "You faked cancer?!" Cameron demands. She's shocked. Why is she shocked? Of course he faked cancer! And it's awesome in its incredible wrongness. House says that he took the stuff from a patient at PPTH he thought had brain cancer. Apparently, the patient actually doesn't. He did cheat on his wife, though. On this show, cheating on your wife gives you terminal cancer and then syphilis. Good for the Cottages for helping that guy out, albeit unintentionally. Bad for Wilson for being so bad at his job. Is it really that difficult to diagnose cancer? Really? Well, maybe it is when you spend your time worrying about your friend who treats you like crap instead of doing your job. House explains that he faked cancer to get the "cool drug" from the Mass General trial implanted into his brain. And while I love that House faked cancer and made everyone feel sorry for him, that is kind of a lame reason. "You faked cancer to get high?!" Cameron asks. Chase looks devastated. Foreman frowns. House feels no shame, and says that he's going to bed. "You're right -- I don't like you," Foreman calls out after House. Cameron and Chase can't even speak.