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A Bevy Of Heavy

A girl doesn't want to go to school today. She claims she doesn't feel well, but Mom ain't buying it, since her daughter doesn't have a fever. So the girl reveals that the real reason she doesn't want to go is because everyone there hates her, just like she hates herself. Mom talks down to her daughter by referencing Dr. Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham, saying that the kids who makes fun of her simply don't know her, and will like her once they do. This would make young Jessica the annoying stalker Sam I Am, which isn't exactly the most flattering comparison. Speaking of not flattering, the girl playing Jessica has been saddled with some prosthetic chipmunk cheeks to make her look fat.

Jessica goes to school, where she is forced to jump rope in front of her entire gym class, thereby handing the bullies an opportunity to make fun of her on a silver platter. Seth -- who probably makes fun of Jessica to distract his peers from criticizing his long, golden curls -- is the worst of the lot, and is sent off to do laps while Jessica complains that her arm and chest hurt. She struggles to jump rope in slow motion, and her hoity-toity school playground has that springy stuff on the ground instead of the hard-ass pavement I spent my youth playing on, so it looks like Jessica is so fat that the ground wobbles every time she lands on it. Her subsequent collapse sends seismic waves through New Jersey, and the gym teacher rushes over and immediately figures out that his ten-year-old student is having a heart attack. He's a better doctor than House, who would have diagnosed and treated Jessica for depression, pneumonia, and fibromatriculosis before coming up with the correct diagnosis. Gym Teacher tells the 911 operator to "send the damn ambulance," and the rest of the class does not go "ooo-ooo-ooo-oooh!" like my fifth-grade class did that time our music teacher said "whoopdee shit."

House leaves a Clinic exam room as the loudspeaker asks a "Dr. Becker" to dial an extension, as if Ted Danson needed any more reminders that if only his character had been addicted to Vicodin instead of cigarettes, he could have gotten an Emmy. Cuddy walks up and tells House that they need to talk, and House tries to throw her off by mentioning infections of various sex organs. It doesn't work, and Cuddy orders House to fire one of his Cottages, per Vogler's orders from the last episode. House says he has every intention of doing so, but will need to complete their performance evaluations first, which could take one thousand million years. Cuddy gives him a week.

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