House
House

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Sara M: A- | 1018 USERS: B-
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We'll Never Have Paris

We cut to Foreman, looking so, so pissed off as he and the other Cottages, having been drug out of bed and into work, stare at the almost-empty bottle of "Gold Medal" fake brand liquor and say they don't see anything wrong on the video. House presses "play" on the computer, and we see Mark's abdominal muscles ripple. While this would normally be considered impressive and attractive if it happened to the muscles visible outside Mark's body, here on the inside, it's abdominal epilepsy, which indicates a big neurological problem. House calls it a "time bomb in [Mark's] brain." Then he makes fun of Cameron for thinking the guy was fine. Hee hee.

Foreman and House enter the meeting room as Foreman says that some scan or other revealed that Mark's axial nerves are dying, which explains the bladder problem. Something is killing his nerves, and when enough die, so does Mark. Foreman says that the two most likely candidates are encephalitis and Alzheimer's. "Early-onset Alzheimer's. The worst," Cameron says. Deciding between the "worst" case of Alzheimer's is kind of like deciding who is more racist between House and Stacy, isn't it? House asks if either of Mark's parents had it, and Cameron says that they both died in a car accident, just like almost all the other patient's parents or loved ones on this show. House orders the Cottages to test various bodily fluids for encephalitis and Alzheimer's, and to break into Stacy and Mark's house. Chase protests that it's two hours away, and Cameron says she thinks House is doing this to spy on Stacy, not to help Mark. House tells the guys to be sure to bring back Stacy's secret diary, and, if they have time, to check the medicine cabinet for toxins or heavy metals. That had better be a big medicine cabinet to fit all the members of Iron Maiden, although maybe not so much once Sharon Osbourne has gotten a hold of them and cut them all up to bits. That is a scary woman.

Stacy wanders into the hospital lab with an open cup of coffee. First of all, she's not allowed anywhere near there. Second of all, I worked in a hospital lab and it was so boring and I would have killed to be allowed to bring a cup of coffee in there to keep myself awake but it was AGAINST EVERY RULE KNOWN TO MAN TO HAVE FOOD IN A LABORATORY. We weren't allowed to touch things without a thin layer of latex between our hands and the item, and we had to wear big long coats all the time. Oddly, this attention to safety did not extend to the handling of dry ice, about which we were instructed "not to touch it for very long" in lieu of getting special protective gloves. It doesn't matter anyway, because Stacy's cup is obviously empty. She asks Cameron what House thinks is wrong with Mark, and Cameron says that Alzheimer's is the "most likely" candidate, and I'm pretty sure that's a violation of doctor-patient confidentiality, although drugging the guy probably wasn't all that legal either. Sela Ward tries really, really hard to convey shock and sadness at the news, but since her face is pretty well frozen from all the plastic surgery and Botox, she ends up looking aggressively bored. She says that Mark has had no memory loss, so the diagnosis must be wrong. Cameron doesn't want to talk about boring old medical stuff anymore, so she asks Stacy about House and his leg deal. Stacy immediately deduces that Cameron is "interested" in House. "We went on one date. It...didn't go very well," Cameron says, forgetting to add that House only went out with her because she practically forced him to, and that it didn't go well because he forced her to deal with some hard truths about herself. Stacy says that her first date with House didn't go very well either, and then, a week later, she moved in with him. Cameron tries to do the math in her head to see if it's been over a week since her date. If so, she'd better get started on calling her moving company and subletting her apartment! Cameron asks what House was like before his leg gave out. "Pretty much the same," Stacy says, and I'm sure she'd love to think that. Some test results shoot out of the printer. Cameron reads them, and says that Mark is "clear" of Alzheimer's. "Yeah. That's what I figured," Stacy snots.

House

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