House

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Sara M: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
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He finds said driver lying on a stretcher covered in blood and immediately starts yanking the guy's head around, looking for symptoms. He also calls him "Lalph Klamden," because the guy is Asian and therefore must not be able to pronounce his R's. House finds markings on the guy's neck and diagnoses Driver (I'm not going to call him Lalph for the rest of the episode, okay? I'm just not) with leukemia. Wilson takes a slightly closer look and discovers that it's just a seatbelt bruise. Driver is worried that he has leukemia, but House tells him they've ruled it out and are now focusing on the seizure Driver must have had that caused the accident. As it happens, Driver says he didn't have a seizure -- the bus was hit by a garbage truck. Wilson questions House's logic (I don't know why he even bothers anymore) but House isn't paying attention to him because he sees a crash victim about to be discharged. And until House solves his mystery that may not even exist, he's going to make damn sure these poor people who have worried families to go home to are stuck at PPTH. Therefore he lies that the man being discharged has a fever and uses his neck injury to call for a meningitis quarantine of the entire ER and all the patients inside it. So for the sake of finding someone with a symptom that might not even exist, House has essentially shut down the ER. Hope no one died because they needed emergency care and couldn't get it because the nearest ER was quarantine! Although this is really PPTH's fault more than House's -- he's the guy with the brain injury and they're the ones going along with every outlandish thing he says and springing to action.

Kumar has a security video of House leaving work on his motorcycle, which never made it to House's apartment. The Cottages have all the charts from the twenty-two victims brought to PPTH as well as the eight who were sent to a place called "Princeton General." What, St. Sebastian's gets no love? I guess that's a good thing; their ER is sure to be busy now that PPTH's is full of fake meningitis. The charts don't say much; most of the patients have pretty typical bus crash injuries, such as "Jane Doe #2" at Princeton General, who has internal injuries but no idea what her name is. This is going nowhere, so House decides on a new tactic; the Cottages will go to every bar between PPTH and his house to find the one he was at. The Cottages immediately spring to action, which tips House off that they have no intention of following his orders. Indeed they don't, says Biana; they're going to the ER to "do our jobs." Um, I'm pretty sure your job is to work for House, darling. Taub says House can give them a call when he remembers something. Only Kumar offers up any help, saying that accessing House's prefrontal cortex could be the way to get his memories back. Taub doesn't miss a beat, saying he'll build the submarine while Kumar gets the miniaturization device. They could also try the Magic School Bus Cam, although that doesn't show much except poorly-rendered blood cells and nerves full of electrical shorts. Kumar says he was thinking of "medical hypnosis," which can help in memory retrieval. I am skeptical; from what I've read, his technique has a funny way of "uncovering" memories that never existed. House agrees to this as long as no one makes him do anything embarrassing while he's under, like the chicken dance. Once, a hypnotist came to my high school and put a few kids under and then had one of them run around talking to us in Chinese. Except he didn't know Chinese, of course, so it was what he thought Chinese should sound like. Now that I think about it, it was probably really offensive. "Someone in the surgical department must be trained," Kumar posits. Really? I wasn't aware that hypnosis was part of surgical training.

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House

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