House
Hunting

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Either Fox started House just a little too early, or someone took the term in medias res very seriously as we begin at the House house, where Wilson is mid-word lecturing House for last week's little file-pilfering escapade. Wilson is so appalled at his friend's completely typical behavior that he withdraws his offer to give him a ride to work, not that House wanted to ride in Wilson's grandpa car anyway when he's got that sweet motorcycle. Wilson's anger at House fades slightly when he gets to read some of the juicier therapy notes and join in the busybody fun. House claims that Stacy is obsessed with him, as evidenced by the fact that she calls him an "annoying jerk." That's where I would have returned the files having learned the lesson about not reading things that weren't meant for me to read, but not House! He points out the most important part of the file: Stacy is having problems with Mark, who she believes resents her for being able to walk. They haven't had sex in months. Wilson, who was all up in arms at House's invasion of Stacy's privacy just a few seconds ago, raises his eyebrows in shock and just a little bit of delight at knowing stuff he shouldn't.

House and Wilson move outside, where we see that House's address is 221B, which was, of course, Sherlock Holmes's house number as well. Very clever, writers. It still doesn't make up for all the Cameron storylines, though, so don't go getting all big-headed about it. House complains that Stacy's sexual frustration is the reason she's "doc-blocking" him with all the paperwork and stuff she keeps forcing him to do. Wilson points out that House now has the proof he needs to get rid of Stacy, except that it's in the form of confidential patient records House stole from another employee's locked file cabinet. Somehow, Wilson doubts Cuddy will take kindly to that. Because Wilson isn't saying anything House wants to hear, House ignores him...

...and notes that his newspaper is missing. That's because it's been stolen by a guy House introduces to Wilson as his own personal stalker. Wilson can't believe someone else got to that position first, but this guy's interest in House is purely professional: he wants House to treat him. He seems to think that accusing Wilson of being House's "closet case" will endear him to House. It endears him to many of House's fans, though, I'm sure. But not all, as I'm sure the guy who keeps emailing me and telling me to stop implying that Wilson and House are gay would want you to know. Wilson stammers out a denial of the obvious facts while House just grabs his newspaper back and tries to leave. The guy says he's seen tons of doctors and that no one has been able to help him. House is his last chance. House graciously gives him an instadiagnosis (0% success rate) of full-blown AIDS. The guy says his problem isn't related to that: he's already had his immune system checked out. But House has spoken, and shall speak no more. Desperately, the guy grabs the end of House's cane, thinking that, like those homosexuality allegations, will really inspire House to do him a favor. Seriously, guy, you need to take a class on the proper ways to motivate people. A cane tug-of-war ensues between a man with full-blown AIDS and a cripple that mercifully ends before a mentally retarded man, a victim of severe chemical burns, and the entire cast and crew of 7th Heaven can join in and make this a truly pathetic tableau when House suddenly releases the cane, sending the guy flying backwards into Wilson's parked car. Wilson's car alarm goes off, but it's the guy who's looking the worse for wear here, as he gasps for air and collapses on the ground. In lieu of treatment, House offers excuses that he didn't touch the guy. Wilson actually acts like a medical professional and tends to the guy, who is going into anaphylactic shock. Well, at least House didn't give the guy a stroke this time.

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