House

Episode Report Card
Sara M: D | 1 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
It's A Lot of Stuff We've Seen Before

Back from break, Foreman informs the group that Maggie's swollen lymph nodes indicate that her illness is not all in her mind after all, not like any of her symptoms really indicated that it was. I mean, come on. Her hands were paralyzed and she was blind. Those aren't exactly common psychosomatic symptoms. The rest of the team is too distracted to pay much attention to Foreman, though -- House is scanning through all of Maggie's emails, and the Cottages are staring at the wrapped present sitting prominently on his desk. Kumar lets his curiosity get the better of him and asks about the present. House won't say who it's from other than "Santa," adding, "I worship him. Oh wait -- I mean 'Satan.' I always get them confused." I didn't until I saw Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus and its sequel, Meet the Santas during a recent Christmas movie marathon on the Hallmark Channel. Steve Guttenberg plays a "young" Nicholas Claus who has to find a woman to marry him so that they can take over the family business from his retiring parents. He ends up with Crystal Bernard, who is desperately clinging onto her well-faded youth by wearing her hair in a ponytail and dressing twenty years younger than she should. Also, Botox. Those movies made me hate Santa Claus forever.

House wonders what the "alpine butterfly" is that Maggie's emails say she wants to try. "Try bondage," Taub guesses, suddenly interested. House says he tried bondage once, but all that happened was he got tied to a bed and was forced to listen to his mistress drone on and on about how tough it is to be a Dean of Medicine. Well, it's nice to know that Cuddy's still doing interesting things in her life, even if they all have to take place off-camera. House suddenly bursts into laughter when he comes across a Garfield cartoon a "friend" sent Maggie. I put "friend" in quotes because no real friend would send you a Garfield strip unless it's that one from like 1987 where Garfield got stuck hanging off the edge of a table by his upper teeth. That was a good one. "That cat sure does love lasagna," House giggles. That was my favorite part of this episode, and it ends all too quickly when Agnes very maturely slams the laptop down on House's hand, probably breaking it. It's a Macbook Pro, too. Those are really expensive. Agnes really doesn't care about other people's feelings at all. Agnes snaps at House to stop "obsessing" over Maggie's emails, to which House says it was his obsession with Maggie's emails that led him to discover she has sarcoidosis. She sold an almost new Stairmaster last year and cancelled a hiking trip. House guesses that she was suffering from sarcoidosis-related joint pain. That's some pretty flimsy evidence to pronounce your case solved on, but House opens his gift to find the iPhone you know he bought for himself as a rather transparent ploy to make everyone buy him sweet presents.

The Cottages do a lavage to prove that Maggie has sarcoidosis (which she won't, since it's way too early in this episode for that) and wonder who bought House the iPhone. Except Agnes, whose mad House-knowing skillz means she already knows that he bought it for himself.

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House

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