House
Kids

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | Grade It Now!
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Moral Morales

My, how time flies! It seems like only a few weeks ago that those junior swimming and diving national champions were showing off their stuff for an enthralled nation, but it's actually been a whole year! The audience cheers wildly as kids swim and dive their way into the judges' hearts. Next up to dive is a young girl whose coach comments that she looks "pale" as he gives her a rather intimate shoulder massage. Suspicious. He asks the girl if her neck "still hurts," wondering if she shouldn't go for some tricky dive, but the girl insists on attempting it. The coach finishes his massage without giving her a happy ending and sends his twelve-year-old competitor off. She climbs the ladder as the audience waits for her vision to blur or for her to go into a seizure or whatever the worst possible thing that could happen at the worst possible time is, as is what usually tends to befall House's future patients. The girl, announced as "Mary Somelastname," manages to reach the diving board before her vision starts to go all wonky and the music starts to go all eerie. The camera starts to zoom into her eye for the inevitable Magic School Bus Cam shot of her brain short-circuiting, but then she blinks and shakes her head to clear it before it can happen. Huh. Mary sets up for her dive and mutters some encouraging words to herself that, shockingly, don't start to slur or anything. This show has me at the edge of my seat with the suspenseful pre-credits catastrophe expectation! Mary executes a perfect-looking dive (she could have done a belly flop and I wouldn't have known the difference), and we all wait for her to forget how to swim or for the pool to fill up with her blood, but no. She makes it to the surface, appearing quite healthy and happy that she made her dive, but the tumultuous applause of the crowd is not forthcoming. Instead, there are horrified and scared as they look in what appears to be her direction. I was waiting for the reveal that her arm fell off or something, but the source of concern is actually one of the diving judges, sprawled out on the floor with blood coming out of his ear and his eyes rolled back in his head. The coach yells for someone to call an ambulance. Mary hopes the judge had time to give her an awesome score before he kicked it. I can't believe the pre-credits sequence faked me out like that. That judge didn't even look sick, and Mary was pale!

Since Cameron remains in the opening credits, I'm not surprised to see her. I'm sad, but not surprised. She's spending her unemployment time running on a treadmill, and the camera is sure to linger on her sweaty, bouncing bosoms until she stops to answer a knock at the door. It's House. As Cameron mentally chastises herself for not looking her very sexiest at all times in preparation for this inevitable moment, House dramatically states that Vogler is dead. "What? What happened?" Cameron asks, as she wonders if it's a faux pas to go on a funeral date in the same clothes you wore to the funeral of your tragically dead husband. Perhaps a letter to Miss Manners will clear it up. Then House tells her to stop being so literal; Vogler is still among the living, although he and his money are no longer among the hospital, which House does not assign any of the credit for to Cuddy. Now Cameron can come back to work and everything can be like it was before. Cameron says that things were "a little weird," and whose fault is that? House says that's fine; he wants Cameron back. "Why?" Cameron demands, but House's pager goes off. The page is from me, actually, with a message that says: "Don't you dare tell her you have feelings for her and ruin this show with some stupid boring generic romance subplot. You are not George Clooney. This is not ER!" Actually, it's something about an epidemic back at the hospital, which House isn't concerned with, since it doesn't involve a way for him to scam his way into the ob/gyn lounge. Cameron again asks why House wants her to come back. He says that she's a good doctor. "That's it?" Cameron asks. "That's...not enough?" House asks, baffled, since getting a compliment from him is like getting Miss Manners to tell you to go fuck yourself. "Not for me," Cameron says, and shuts the door in his face. Grrr.

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