Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | 1 USERS: A
Moral Morales

Post-commercial, House and the Cottages have gathered in the men's room to discuss Mary's case without risking getting caught slacking off by Cuddy, who I would not put it past to walk right on in there looking for them. The drawback to this plan is that they, and therefore we, are forced to endure the occasional strained grunts from a nearby stall. If I wanted to see bathroom humor like this, I'd watch a sitcom. ON UPN. Come on now! Foreman reports that Mary's seizures are happening more and more frequently, meaning that whatever Mary has, it's definitely in her brain and getting worse. Chase says that rat poison could cause the brain and neck symptoms, but Foreman, in the role of Cameron the Innocent, doesn't think anyone would want to poison a twelve-year-old girl. House has seen his share of Lifetime TV movies, though, including the one where the cheerleader's mom killed her daughter's competition. He's also apparently seen Swimfan, an advantage he shares with about four other people in the world. ["Me, my sister, and two others, sigh." -- Wing Chun] The loud pooper finally emerges from his stall, and it's a kid about Mary's age. House orders him to google "hemorrhoids," eat more Raisin Bran, and wash his hands. Foreman's task is slightly more complicated; Mary needs a CT scan to find out if she's bleeding into her brain, but there's no way the Evil Nurse Brenda will let him cut in line, and the morgue doesn't have its own CT scanner. Chase says that this one time, in med school, he had an old professor who did transcranial ultrasounds, which were used before the CT scan was invented. House has to admit that it could work, and assigns Foreman to go off and do it, being sure to throw in a remark about how the neurologist really should have been the one to come up with this. Chase protests that he should do the ultrasound since it was his idea. House mimic-whines like a five-year-old, and tells Chase to go back to his neck pain research.

House returns to his office to find Wilson and his next interviewee waiting. He apologizes, saying he had to "take a dump." The interviewee is a sassy young thing who immediately replies that she's sure it's better to interview right after a dump than before it. House is thrown off a bit by the witty retort, and downs a few pills to steady himself as he asks Dr. Sass if she actually speaks four languages, or just wrote it on her résumé to look good. Dr. Sass sasses that she can swear in six. Wilson raises his eyebrows. House asks Dr. Sass why she's leaving her current job; did she fall in love with her boss, or did he fall in love with her? Wilson's eyebrows continue their ascent, and he mutters something about that being a reasonable question, since almost all fellowships end that way. Dr. Sass just says it was "nothing like that," and House immediately asks her if she's Jewish. Dr. Sass says she is indeed, and House's next question is whether or not what they say about Jewish foreplay is true. "Uh-uh-uh -- " says Wilson, who knows House better than anyone and still wasn't expecting him to ask a question as wildly inappropriate as that. But Dr. Sass will not be thrown! She says it's "two hours of begging." House says he heard it was four. "I'm only half Jewish," Dr. Sassenstein admits. Wilson just looks back and forth between the two, searching for the family resemblance that must be there as Dr. Sassenstein is obviously House's secret daughter. Dr. Sassenstein says she knows all about how House likes to say inappropriate things for reactions, but that she grew up with four brothers, so she can take whatever he throws at her as long as he keeps his hands to himself. House says nothing, and Wilson calls an end to the interview. House even shakes the hand Dr. Sassenstein offers, something he wouldn't do for Cameron (HA!), and watches her feet as she walks out.

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