House

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Pants Afire

House stops by Cuddy's office for his daily sexual-harassment-and-objectification fix. I guess his addictive personality has to find an outlet. This time he has charmingly named Cuddy's breasts after Patty and Selma because they are "always smokin'." Why does she like him again? Because a hostile workplace is secretly cute, and his patently insulting and pervasive harassment is just kind of adorable? If you are a super-genius (and good-looking) it's fine to create a hostile work environment? I'm glad that Cuddy doesn't seem to bother changing her behavior or her wardrobe to shut him up, but I don't like that she allows herself to be dragged to his level. What really bothers me, though, is that she seems to find it all secretly flattering. Anyway. House finally bothers to get to his point and asks her to authorize the discharge of his minor patient because she has rhabdo. He then notices in his Mentalist (or is it Psych?) way that her outbox is bigger than normal and surmises that she is going to the medical conference with Wilson. What a co-ink-ee-dink, he is, too. She almost gasps in horror, because he's not on the registration list, and Wilson said he had a patient. House points out that she's signing the discharge papers now, tosses out one more double entendre and heads home to pack.

House heads off to verbally abuse Wilson. Wilson is sitting with a dying patient and he doesn't really want to talk to House, but he always does doesn't he? House has decided that he should go to the conference, and Wilson instantly sees through him and knows that he found out that Cuddy is going. Wilson sighs that they are leaving in two hours and heads back to help his patient find the morphine button. In front of a recovering addict, Wilson? What kind of friend are you? Sheesh.

House is packing when Chase corners him to complain about dropping hints to Cameron about how he murdered James Earl Jones. House isn't really paying attention, until Chase also mentions that their patient's scan shows no sign of the muscle crush that is needed for a rhabdo diagnosis. House looks perturbed and goes to talk to the patient. He brings her a video of a heavy metal drummer banging it out on the skins and demands that she drum along to the beat. He hands her his cane and a pen as drumsticks, two items that are so uneven in weight and size that it can't help her keep the beat as House insists she does. She looks skeptical, but drums along until she just can't anymore. Her arms fall limply to the side, paralyzed, thus proving House's point, with an assist from Lars Ulrich. He (House, not Lars) says that her potassium was low, but rhabdo raises potassium. So if her potassium was even lower yesterday, then there was no way she could have been climbing stairs and hopping fences to take illicit midnight swims. If she couldn't move, then she couldn't have had a fall that would trigger the rhabdo. So there is an underlying condition that caused both the rhabdo and the low potassium. Chase has his normal "Why didn't I think of that?" face as House leaves the room triumphant. He orders Chase to get an accurate history of the events last night, and cautions him that the patient is a big fat liar. The girl protests, "I'm not fat!" Because, really, how rude.

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House

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