House

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Murphy Frown

But Murphy Brown will not be stopped, saying that Cuddy can't possibly keep track of what Rachel eats since she's never home anyway. House is obviously thrilled to get a call from the Cottages at this point, and begs them to tell him he has to come in. "Jack doesn't have cancer," Chase says. "God, that's awful! I'll be right in!" House says immediately. There is no way in hell Cuddy's going to allow that. Every single patient at PPTH could be dying right now and it wouldn't get House out of this dinner. Foreman says they don't need House to come in, just to tell them why Jack's ear pain went away when Martha M. Masters injected him with lidocaine. House has an answer: Jack has referred pain due to some of the wrong nerve connections being developed when he was a fetus. Uh, or something like that. Anyway, this means that Jack does have pain, but it's supposed to be somewhere else and not his ears. And also somehow Jack's back/spine is involved with all of this because the pain started and stopped when Martha M. Masters touched it. Anyway, this leads them to two new diagnoses: hyperthyroidism and liver problems, both of which somehow were not detected in Jack's initial bloodwork. Um, okay. Martha M. Masters pipes up to say that just because Jack's ears don't hurt doesn't mean that her infection diagnosis is wrong. House, now thoroughly annoyed, starts making fun of her, only to be hung up on. Which means it's back to dinner for him!

House somehow managed to make it through the dinner portion of the evening and it's now time for coffee. That's when Murphy Brown brings up the possibility of marriage and whether or not House would convert to Judaism. "Wehaven'tgottenthatfarmom," Cuddy says. Wilson, not helping, says "that's actually a really interesting question." House speaks up to say he's an atheist. Murphy Brown says that's cool; half the Jews she knows are atheists, too. She just likes the whole community aspect of the religion. Cuddy says things like community don't appeal to House. Now Murphy wants to know why Cuddy keeps calling her boyfriend "House" instead of by his first name, which is a fair point. Wilson nods along with Murphy, their earlier tension over sugar studies now apparently forgotten. Murphy says it's important that Cuddy settle down, what with her being old and having far fewer choices in boyfriends anyway. "Settling down isn't all it's cracked up to be," Wilson sighs; "next week is Sam's birthday. I was gonna take her to the Pocono's." Fantastically, Murphy Brown is here to not give a shit: "that's very sad," she says unconvincingly; "perhaps not the best choice of topic for a festive occasion." And then, this happens: "I just don't want Rachel growing up thinking you're a slut." House has had enough and can be silent no longer! But before he can rip Murphy Brown to shreds, she dies. Oh, no, wait -- House's lack of concern tells Cuddy that her mother is very much alive and now under the influence of whatever House slipped in her coffee to shut her up. "Kicked in just in time!" he says proudly, adding that this is his birthday gift to Cuddy. While Wilson and Cuddy cannot believe this, even though House has done this shit plenty of times before, House says he didn't think he had a chance against Ma Cuddy if she was conscious. Wilson weighs in on the issue, saying that he's kind of relieved that Murphy Brown is snoozing because she's "quite a handful." Except he has trouble getting the words out because -- oops! -- he, too, has been drugged! He stays conscious long enough to be pissed at House for it, and House apologizes, saying he really thought Wilson would be more whiny and annoying than he actually was. Wilson face-plants on the table. Cuddy is horrified, even though that was awesome. I'm just sad it's over.

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House

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