House

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Cuddy's Living Nightmare

"He's impotent!" House announces upon entering the conference room where, despite the late hour, Cameron is still hard at work on those charts. It's like she never left! But she did, and it sucks. I wonder if, had there not been a strike this season, they would have given Chase and Cameron more to do like they promised us. Somehow, I don't think so. House attributes the impotence to Evan's sunflower seed consumption, which could cause B6 toxicity. I'm thinking you'd have to eat, like, a sun's worth of sunflower seeds for that to happen, but okay. House says Evan "can't remember the last time he was able to salute," although I don't know if he actually got that information from Evan or is making it up. The Cottages seem semi-convinced, and House orders them to start Evan on plasmapheresis to filter the B6 they don't even know is in his blood out of it. Cameron sharpens a pencil as she casually mentions that just because Evan isn't getting hard doesn't mean he physically can't. The easily-swayed Cottages start wondering if the impotence is just psychological, and Biana recommends an overnight sleep study to see if Evan gets a "reflex erection." House says they've got a much simpler and faster way to prove this, and looks at Cameron. "I'm not showing him my boobs," Cameron says. Why not? You're already doing all of House's chart work for him. Why take a stand now? House turns to Biana and rather cruelly decides that her chest is not boner-worthy. "Where can I find a decent set of knockers around here?" House wonders. Wilson's got a decent pair of man boobs ... maybe ask him? But to spare Cuddy from the question House is sure to ask her, and probably in front of the inspector, Cameron helpfully reminds him that his porn is in his desk.

So they end up sticking Evan in a bed hooked up to monitors and toss him a porno mag and tell him to go to town. "This is humiliating," Evan says. Honestly, if the guy has psychological problems getting hard, how is putting him on stage to do it going to make it any easier? I should think even men with no physical or psychological problems would have some trouble in this situation. Biana and Kumar will be monitoring the test from behind some closed blinds to make it less humiliating. Also so they can talk about life and stuff. Kumar doesn't understand how someone with the "coolest gig ever" could be so unhappy. Is he stupid or naïve or both? Plenty of people with cool jobs have committed suicide. Biana asks Kumar if he's ever had a job that made him miserable. Kumar has not. I hate him even more just for that. As for Biana, she says she's "not particularly" happy as one of House's fellows, whatever that means.You know who would have been happy to be one of House's fellows? CTB. Or even Weird Beard. Give the job to one of them if you can't hack it, Biana. And while you're at it, get a name! At that, the Cottages note that Evan's vitals are climbing, just like, apparently, his penis. Biana scoffs that House was wrong again -- Evan's penis is performing just fine. Suddenly, the lines on Kumar's "tumescence monitor" go down. Kumar lets out a "poor guy" laugh as Biana asks if Evan has finished already. Kumar tries to help a brother out and explains that sometimes if you haven't released in a while it happens pretty quickly. Biana makes a mental note to stick with the ladies, who don't have all of this messy malfunctioning external wiring to deal with, and turns back to her monitor, where Evan's heart rate is through the roof. They open the blinds to see Evan clutching his heart. Heart attacks can kill a hard on.

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House

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