Love Hurts

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B- | Grade It Now!
Hurts So Good

After the commercial, House has brought Annette to Cuddy's office for a discussion with the hospital's lawyer. Annette explains that Harvey is an "asphyxiophiliac," which I was shocked to learn was not in my spellchecker. It means he likes being strangled. He likes it sexually. "That's just sick!" the lawyer spits, in shocked and horrified disgust. Apparently, he lives in the same Bubble of Innocence Cameron does. House thanks the guy for his legal advice, and Annette says that Harvey was never in mortal danger, since she was watching the monitors the whole time to make sure his oxygen didn't drop to a dangerous level. She did it to calm Harvey down, so he'd "feel in control by being controlled." "Uh..." Cuddy starts, and then realizes she doesn't know what else to say. She takes a minute, and then asks whether Harvey pays Annette for her services. Annette proudly states that Harvey does her taxes and cleans her house. House immediately jumps up, scared to hear his name mixed up with any of this crazy stuff, and leaves. Cuddy attempts to get him to stay until the meeting actually finishes, but that's not going to happen.

And now it's time for Chase: the True Hollywood Story. He says he once dated a woman who liked to be burned, which Cameron thinks is just silly. Foreman points out that Cameron is no stranger to wanting a relationship with someone that could only lead to pain. "Shut up," Cameron orders, almost sounding cool. Chase says it was a "weird scene," and then House runs in and asks Chase if he knew who Annette was and what she was into. Chase says he saw her at some "parties." "I wouldn't have tortured you if I knew you liked it," House says, and Chase rolls his eyes at the first of what will no doubt be many jokes of this nature. House tells Chase that he should have told everyone why he was so adamant about the trauma aneurysm instead of keeping it to himself, and then shows us all why Chase wanted to keep it a secret by making another joke about Chase's involvement in the S&M community. Chase tries to protest that he's not that involved with it, but House has moved on to the subject of Harvey and his care. He still wants to treat Harvey for the mitral valve/endocarditis thing, though.

An old man wanders into House's office while this is all going on, and it's...why, it's The Colonel! I'm so glad to see that Peter Graves is able to get work on shows that are actually good. It's probably because he didn't put 7th Heaven on his résumé. Or the '80s remake of Mission: Impossible. The Cottages protest that they want to go with Chase's diagnosis in light of the new evidence and schedule Harvey for brain surgery. House wants to go with Foreman's now-lesser-likely diagnosis first though, because if they go for the aneurysm and it's actually the heart valve, Harvey will die. On the other hand, if they treat the mitral valve and it's actually an aneurysm, he'll live. I love that their game plan is now based on being wrong. Decision made, House enters his office and asks The Colonel what he wants. The Colonel says that Ramona sent him in for a refill, since his "wood" is "beginning to droop." His index finger serves as a visual illustration of this, but I am not able to see it since I have my eyes tightly closed, my fingers in my ears, and am singing loudly, as I am wont to do whenever I have to hear about the state of an old man's penis. Especially when Peter Graves is the old man. This really is the one time where 7th Heaven, in its infinite wisdom not to expose us to this subject matter, compares favorably to House. The Colonel says that Ramona told him that House wanted to talk to him, but House says he doesn't, and gives The Colonel his prescription so that he can be done with this couple. But The Colonel wants to talk to House anyway, because he doesn't know "how much more of this" he can take. It's really messing with his golf swing. I...don't want to know if that's because he doesn't have time to practice, or because having a constant erection has thrown things out of alignment; either way, I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to take those pills around the clock as that statement would indicate he's doing. House tells The Colonel to go talk to his freaking wife already and tell her the truth, but The Colonel says that Ramona has a "big appetite," and he's afraid he'll lose her if he can't satisfy it. House just stares. The Colonel asks for directions to the hospital pharmacy. House volunteers to take him there, since he's got the route memorized.

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