Wilson wants to talk to Cameron, although he has a little bit of trouble getting the words out. He always stammers when he's nervous. "I just want to make sure no one gets hurt," he says. "I will be fine," Cameron assures him. "Oh -- it's not...it's not you I'm worried about," Wilson says. "It's me. HANDS OFF, BITCH!" Okay, no. He was talking about House. Wilson says that it's been a while since House last "opened up" to someone, and that if he gets hurt again, there may not be a next time. Dun dun dunnnn! "You're worried I'm gonna break his heart?" Cameron asks, not sure what it means to be the non-victim in a situation.
Night falls on the House of House, and Wilson is there to give House advice on how to put on a tie. House says that this date is a mistake (YES), and that he doesn't know how have casual conversation. Wilson advises him to be a gentleman, compliment Cameron's shoes and earrings, and ask her what her dreams, hopes, and aspirations ("the DHA") are. That kind of date talk would probably make me think I had accidentally asked out a gay guy. Again. But Wilson claims that it works every time for the "panty-peeler," who has condoms if House needs them. They're special condoms from a drug rep, and they have antibiotics built into them, which, if you think you're best off going with the condoms with antibiotics in them for a certain sexual partner, you're probably best off not having sex with that person at all. House goes to the fridge, and Wilson asks House to get him a beer while he's at it. House says he wasn't going for alcohol, and pulls out a white rose corsage. "This is pretty lame, right?" he says. "I think she likes lame," Wilson says. I think this also tells us that the last time House went on a date, it was to the prom.
Cameron admires her beautiful corsage and tells House that he looks "very handsome" in his Cuddy-recommended sky blue shirt. They attempt to make small talk, House saying that the last time he was at this restaurant, it was a strip joint. Cameron giggles. Then House compliments her earrings and her comfortable shoes, and Cameron says he doesn't have to be someone he isn't just for her. I think that noticing women's shoes is totally part of who House is, but he just says that if they can't have small talk, what else is there to do? Apparently nothing, because they both sit in awkward silence for a while until Cameron puts down the wine list and paraphrases Freud's theory about how little boys antagonize the little girls they have crushes on because they need to feel in control of the object of their desire. "I treat you like garbage, so...I must really like you?" House asks. If that's true, Chase had better watch out. Chase, and EVERYONE ELSE HOUSE HAS EVER TALKED TO, EVER. If that's what you're basing your theory that House has feelings for you on, Cameron, you are barking up a tree so wrong that it's not even a tree. House hopefully asks Cameron whether, if he starts being nice to her, she'll get the hint that he doesn't like her. Cameron says no; it'll mean he's getting in touch with his feelings. House asks if there is anything he can do to convince Cameron that he doesn't like her, and she smiles and says there isn't. Wow, she is clueless. Cameron says that she doesn't want to waste her one date talking about what wines and movies House likes; she wants to know how he feels. About her, that is, since Cameron only wants to know anything about House's opinions when they pertain to her. House thinks for a minute, and then tells Cameron that she thinks she can fix everything that isn't perfect, which is why she married a man who was dying of cancer. And now that he's dead, she's moving on to her next "charity case," a guy twice her age who says he isn't great-looking (some people in our forums would disagree with that), charming, or even nice. He's "damaged," though, and Cameron "needs" him for that. Well, that date didn't go well at all. HA! But also...aw. Poor House. Maybe if he didn't act like such an asshole to everyone, he could see himself as a reasonable date prospect. Maybe that's why he acts like an asshole in the first place, though.