House

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It is a dark and stormy night. A woman, Margaret, is all alone in her big, old house when she hears a noise. She finds the front door wide open, but her husband Billy is nowhere in sight, so this is now turning into one of those horrible ADT commercials where some woman is all alone in her house and then a guy wearing a dark hoodie breaks in and almost kills her but then she's saved by her alarm system, which she turned on when she was just hanging out in her living room even though no one does that. Everyone I know who has one of those burglar alarms only turns it on when he's not home or maybe sleeping in bed. In fact, I was told that you aren't supposed to turn the alarm on when you're home. Anyway, none of this matters, as Margaret doesn't have an alarm system, so she calls Billy. He says he's only a few blocks away, so she says she'll be fine and hangs up. But the creepy noises persist, so, armed with some sort of trophy with, like, a gyroscope on it, Margaret heads upstairs to investigate. She finds nothing but another open door and runs down the stairs smack into the arms of her husband. She feels relief for a few seconds before barfing all over the place.

House wakes up the next morning in his own bed alone, which he seems quite pleased about. He spreads out to take advantage of having the space to himself before arriving at work wearing that red T-shirt I think he wore last week. Ah, but there is a new face in the meeting room: Chase's new hire, Dr. Kelly Benedict. House refuses to shake the hand she offers, and you'd think Chase would've warned her not to bother being friendly to him. Dr. Kelly tells House that she just finished a psychiatry residency but thinks she can "make more of a difference" as one of House's fellows than as a psychiatrist. Yeah, that's what Taub thought, too, and he hasn't done shit. When he was a plastic surgeon, he was probably helping out burn victims and chimpanzee attacks and all kinds of stuff. But on House's team, all he does is get things wrong so his boss, who constantly makes fun of him, can get them right. House stares at Dr. Kelly's boobs for a while, then informs her that she's hot, like she didn't already know that. You know, one of these days, they're going to hire a not-hot female at PPTH. I just know it. And no, that sociopath drug-stealing pharmacist lady from last season doesn't count. Foreman tries to change the subject to their new patient, but House says Dr. Kelly looks like Cameron, so therefore Chase only hired her to sleep with her. She doesn't look like Cameron to me, but whatever. We're probably all supposed to have forgotten what Cameron looks like by now anyway. House tells Chase that this won't work because it's the "emotional connection" with Cameron he misses and not her looks. Because House is just that nice to his employees, he tries to lay the groundwork for an emotional connection between Chase and Dr. Kelly by asking her about things she might have in common with Cameron, like marrying a guy with a terminal illness or freezing his sperm for later use. Hmmm. When you put it that way, Cameron does sound like a loon. Chase insists that Dr. Kelly is nothing like Cameron. "Then why'd you make her wear Cameron's clothes?" House asks. "I'm wearing my own clothes," Dr. Kelly says, actually thinking that House believes Chase made her wear someone else's clothes and that she'd agree to do so. Also, those don't look anything like Cameron's clothes. For one thing, there's no vest.

Foreman says Margaret has had "severe vomiting" following three days of abdominal pain and slightly elevated liver function test results. Really? That's all it takes to become one of House's cases? Vomiting and a slightly wonky liver? Doesn't that happen to all of us after a night of drinking? House gives Dr. Kelly a shot to show them what she can do, only for Foreman to quickly shoot down her suggestions of Hepatitis A and appendicitis before saying it's hepatic fibrosis. Taub goes with lead poisoning, so House assigns half the team to test Margaret for hepatic fibrosis and the other half to search Margaret's home for heavy metals. Chase volunteers himself and Dr. Kelly to test Margaret, saying that breaking and entering is something that can wait until Dr. Kelly's second week. House makes sure to stare at Dr. Kelly's ass on her way out, and Chase again insists that she's nothing like Cameron. House agrees: "Cameron had much smaller breasts." This show is so mean to Jennifer Morrison. "By which I mean she was smarter," House adds. It's true, though; the larger your breasts are, the more blood has to be pumped to them and thus not to your brain. Also, big breasts get in the way when you're trying to eat spaghetti.

For no reason other than to use up some of this season's location shooting budget, House and Wilson go to a motorcycle store. Like, in the middle of the work day. Wilson, of course, asks House about Cuddy and whether or not House has spent the night at her place yet. House says he has not; she comes over to his house, they have sex, and then she goes home. It's great, House says. "Taking it slow, that could work," Wilson says. Hey, Wilson? You've been married three times and you had your first wife move back in with you after like two weeks of dating. So House should really take your advice with a grain of salt or two. "You are spending time with the kid," Wilson says. Does Wilson hate Rachel or something? Why encourage House to spend time with her? House says he spends the least amount of time with her possible: "that is one boring child." "You think you were a scintillating wit at two and a half?" Wilson says. House probably was, actually. "I wasn't trying to eat shoes," House says. Yeah, who eats shoes at two and a half? That's baby stuff. At two and half, she should be eating sand.

Chase and Dr. Kelly take a look around Margaret's liver and discuss how badly things went for Dr. Kelly in the meeting room. Chase assures Dr. Kelly that she was the best applicant for the job, but Dr. Kelly says it isn't just House who upset her -- Foreman didn't seem to like her, either. "He takes a little while to warm up," Chase says, adding that he's been working with Foreman for seven years now and Foreman is still an asshole to him. Seriously. At least Foreman didn't try to infect Dr. Kelly with a deadly disease or steal her article idea, like he's done to other co-workers. With that, Chase and Dr. Kelly find some scar tissue in Margaret's hepatic artery that appears to be left over from an earlier surgery, along with about five or six ribs with signs of previous breakage. Those were not in Margaret's medical history.

Meanwhile, Taub and Foreman have found no evidence of lead in Margaret's home, despite the fact that it's supposed to be old and those old houses are always covered in lead. Even the ones that say they aren't or claim the lead has been removed. Taub doesn't care about that stuff, preferring instead to look through Margaret's personal items and ask Foreman what his problem is with the new girl. Foreman claims he's just trying to give Margaret the best care as soon as possible, which means not coddling the stupid new girl, pretending her diagnoses are correct, and then "treating patients for diseases they don't have." Yes, because no one on this show has ever treated a patient for a disease he didn't have before. "Dude, is this about Thirteen?" Taub asks. Foreman objects to Taub's use of the word "dude." "It felt right," Taub shrugs. Foreman claims that he has no problem with Dr. Kelly taking Hadley's place temporarily and that his feelings for Hadley are purely friendship. Taub doesn't believe him, but that doesn't really matter since Foreman finds a receipt from a café in Trenton on the day Margaret told them she was working in Summit.

Margaret has an explanation for all of this, telling Chase, Foreman, and her husband that she simply mixed up the days and told them she was in Summit when she was in Trenton. As for those broken ribs she didn't tell them about, she claims that she fell off her bike and landed on a s

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