House
Maternity

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Sara M: A | Grade It Now!
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Maybe Dead Baby

You'd think the hospital had more urgent matters requiring House's attention, like the dying babies, but no. He's on clinic duty dealing with his latest patient, a young woman who works out like crazy but can't seem to lose any weight. "You have a parasite," House diagnoses as he whips out the ultrasound machine. He says that after about a month, the "parasite" will be illegal to remove in most states, but that most women "learn to embrace" it and even dress it up in tiny clothes. Unless, you know, it dies without ever leaving the hospital it was born in. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. The parasite in question is a baby, of course, although House's patient hasn't caught on to that yet because she's not the smartest thing in the world, is she? I'd say that I hope her baby winds up more intelligent than she is, but after four months of bouncing around the womb walls while Mom does her marathon training, I think the chances are pretty slim. That is a joke backed with absolutely no medical evidence whatsoever, so please don't email me with stories of how you ran a hundred marathons while pregnant and your kid came out totally perfect, please, Moms! Marathon Mom says there's no way she can be pregnant -- she has a birth control implant, and she knows it's working since she hasn't gotten her period. House points out that the same thing happens if it isn't working, which is why she was supposed to have monthly pregnancy tests. Is not having to take a tiny pill when you wake up in the morning really worth having to pee on a stick once a month? House says that Mom has about five months to plan the baby shower. Mom does some impressively quick (for her) mental math and says that, four months ago, she and her husband had a "really big fight," and that she totally slept with an ex-boyfriend. Husband doesn't know about it, so there's no way Mom's going to get him in there for a paternity test. House says that if the husband looks like her ex-boyfriend, then no one will ever be the wiser. That's terrible advice for so many reasons.

Back in the conference room, the news is grim: one of the antibiotics is causing the babies' kidneys to shut down, and there's no way to tell which one it is. Taking them off the antibiotics or keeping them on them will produce the same result: death. The only option seems to be to make a choice of the most likely bacterial infection suspect, treat the babies for that alone, and hope they're right. Foreman thinks they should go with MRSA. Cameron still thinks it's pseudomonas. House doesn't see the point in guessing when there's a way to find out for sure: they've got two babies on two antibiotics. Put one baby on one medicine and the second on the other. They'll know what they're dealing with based on which baby improves. "That's wrong," Foreman says, once he's able to regain the power of speech. House Machiavellis that they're killing one baby to save a lot more. Foreman continues to protest while Chase and Cameron just stare slack-jawed.

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House

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